If there is one group of people who can be counted on to demand the perpetual production of Zombie Simpsons even more than the lickspittles at IGN, it is the people who help sell toys and merchandise.  These are the kind of people who are glad that the show has been little more than a commercial for over a decade.  The proof is in this shameless ode to never ending commercials from a website called Toy TMA, “Twenty Years and Still Going: A Simpsons Retrospective”.  It’s a long and rambling piece about how great the show is; and I’d guess that the powers that be assigned a minimum word count because the padding starts right in the opening paragraph:

True Fact: I grew up in the United States of America. I’m not trying to brag or anything, it’s just simple stating of fact. Why this is important to The Simpsons has to do with what The Simpsons is to me: An American Institution. This in no way means that I believe The Simpsons is only for Americans. Oh heavens no, The Simpsons is a show for the entire world.

True Fact: None of the above means anything, including the phrase “true fact” itself. 

From there it’s a disjointed monologue of childhood reminisces, product placement, and (because this is a website aimed at getting people to buy toys) family togetherness.  I don’t recommend reading the whole thing.  However, the final paragraph deserves some scrutiny as it is one of the most succinct and typical defenses of Zombie Simpsons I’ve seen in a while.  

I keep hearing from people that The Simpsons should end already.

No way!  It’s still so good!  Simpsonz4Eva!  (This Sunday on FOX it’s the premier of the 34th season of The Simpsons! Featuring the synthesized voice of recently upgraded Kavner-ware 3.1!) 

I disagree on the basis that we need a Simpsons to exist, even if you don’t find it funny anymore.

Let’s consider that.  Should I wants a comedy program that isn’t funny anymore to continue indefinitely?  If the purpose of the show is to make people laugh, and it doesn’t do that anymore, doesn’t that mean it no has a reason to exist?  

It’s like the evening news at this point.

It sucks any no one cares about it?

There’s just something comforting about knowing that every Sunday I’ll see the same family from my childhood waiting for me whenever I feel like visiting.

That is a jaw dropping amount of stupidity to cram into a single sentence.  Let’s start with the obvious contradiction: “every Sunday” and “whenever I feel like visiting”.  Well, which is it?  Is it every Sunday (a defined and regular interval) or is it whenever (any old time without restriction)?  It can’t be both. 

Even if we overlook that logical scramble the sentence is still a mess because the show isn’t on every Sunday.  It gets pre-empted all the time and there are new episodes less than half the Sundays of the year.  So the concept it’s trying to praise doesn’t even exist. 

But don’t worry, you can still watch them whenever you want.  The scienticians have come up with this wonderful thing called DVDs.  (I’m pretty sure they’ve been mentioned on your evening news.)  So while you can watch the show every Sunday at 8 (or whenever you want), that ability has literally nothing to do with the continued production of new episodes.  To sum up, that single sentence contains a contradiction as well as a glaring factual mistake, all while not addressing the point it was trying to make.  Slow clap on that one.  Slow . . .  clap.  Luckily there’s one more. 

Why would you really want to take that away?

Oh, lots of reasons.