Image used under Creative Commons license from Flickr user g_kat26.

“No children you’re not seeing things.  This, my little friends, is a schwa.” – Principal Skinner

I generally avoid criticizing the tics and tacks of other people’s grammar and sentence construction.  When it comes to the rules of the English language my knowledge is scant; the whys and wherefores of clauses and participles have always eluded me.  On top of that I have a principled objection to the idea that my communications with other people should be rigidly governed by rules that were created long before I was born.  If I am able to get my point across without sounding like the village idiot, that’s enough.  That I occasionally cause a throb in the forehead vein of some rule crazy grammar nut doesn’t trouble me.

In the case of this review of the Season 20 Blu-ray release, however, I am going to set aside my usual detente with the other woeful writers of the world.  The entire article is one big shitmine of sloppy writing, poorly deployed cliches, and textual incoherence.  This is from the first paragraph:

The show has been anything but typical and nobody would ever have expected it to become the longest running sitcom of all time. A typical show doesn’t need to follow typical thinking for video releases and Fox has decided to throw a curveball to the show’s fans and the 20th season is now being released out of order so that fans may enjoy the recent episodes now.

Yegods.  I think I got whiplash from that first sentence and the second one is even worse.  “A typical show doesn’t need to follow typical thinking”?  I think that’s the rarely seen triple contradiction.  The preceding sentence said that the show isn’t a typical show, but now apparently it is, except that you’d think a typical show would have to follow typical thinking, except that this doesn’t have to follow typical thinking so maybe it isn’t a typical show.  Or something.  And that’s just the first nine words of that monster sentence.  It runs on from there and seems to end on account of exhaustion.  Can I interest you in a period, or at least a semicolon?  Would you like some of Mitch Albom’s commas? 

The first sentence of the second paragraph got to me, though only partly because it obliquely refers to my opinions:

Some could argue that "The Simpsons" are no longer relevant and that the writing has become stale over the past countless years for Matt Groening’s creation.

“Some could argue” is about the laziest strawman setup conceivable.  It does get points for efficiency though, using just three words to stack three unsteady concepts atop one another.  That’s a vapidity batting average of 1.000!  Let’s break it down, shall we?

It leaves the subject of the accusation completely undefined, “some”, who the hell is that?  It then says that these unknown parties “could” (we don’t know!) be doing something (unless they’re not).  Finally, it finishes with “argue”, a word which in this position has a milquetoast double meaning; it could be that this argument is valid, or it could be that the argument sucks.  No position is taken. 

And what the hell are “past” and “countless” doing in the middle there?  We already know you’re talking about the past and the use of “countless” is plainly invalidated by the fact that you’re reviewing season number 20.  Toddlers can count to 20. 

This is a good time to take a break and point out that this isn’t some fly by night blog.  It’s a thirteen year old commercial website.  The staff page lists no fewer than six people with the word “editor” in their title.  Keep that in mind as we go through the rest of this. 

The third paragraph easily wins the stochastic award.  Presented here, sentence by sentence:

Season twenty is the first season where the show was released in high definition and it is the first season released onto Blu-ray and the first season where the voice talent is all under new contract.

Maybe Mitch Albom did use all the commas. 

The transition didn’t occur till the season’s midway point, but "The Simpsons" are at least evolving behind-the-scenes.

I think I understand what “evolving behind-the-scenes” means.  But I don’t know what it has to do with anything else being said here, though maybe the unnecessary hyphens are throwing me off the trail.

There is guaranteed to be a twenty second season and the twenty first season is now long underway.

This has what to do with what?

The show garnered five Primetime Emmy Awards and Dan Castellaneta won for Outstanding Voice-Over Performance for the episode "Father Knows Worst."

Okay, but weren’t we talking about high definition, or Seasons 21 or 22?

This twentieth season is also the first where the voice of Homer Simpson is now given credit for being a consulting producer on the show.

I think he’s free associating at this point.  Cat . . . Dog . . . Food bowl! 

While the cast and general theme of "The Simpsons" hasn’t changed, Groening and crew are taking steps to guarantee the show has many years ahead of it.

Linoleum . . . Refrigerator . . . the future!

For brevity’s sake we’re going to skip down a bit here.  After spending a couple of paragraphs recounting various guest stars and episode titles, and then listing all the episode titles anyway, it concludes with a confession that wouldn’t have been out of place in the Cultural Revolution:

I do look forward to the releases on video and was excited to dig into these episodes. I feel a little ashamed that I do not try to watch "The Simpsons," because I do place the show as one of those I actually do like. It is such a refreshing break from the fecal matter we call "Reality Television" and for a show that continues to entertain millions of people, I should be one of them.

Several years of hard labor in a rice paddy will teach you to appreciate the proletariat.  Take him away! 

[What do you mean there’s a second page?  Okay, I’ll read it, but if it’s more of the same I’m not doing any more of this.  Yup.  I’m outta here.  Call the weekend guy, I don’t care.]