“Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties. Please, do not panic. Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.” – TV Announcer
“Well, I’ll be damned.” – Chief Clancy Wiggum
“years of” (Fired, blunder, etc.)
Honestly surprised you haven’t done this one yet.