“You can’t go, you’re the best teacher I’ll ever have.” – Lisa Simpson

“Oh that’s not true, other teachers will come along.” – Mr. Bergstrom

“Oh please.” – Lisa Simpson

“No, I can’t lie to you.  I am the best.” – Mr. Bergstrom

In our continuing mission to bring you only the finest in low class, low brow, and low tech internet Simpsons commentary we’re bringing back our “Crazy Noises” series and applying it to Season 21.  Because doing a podcast smacks of effort we’re still using this “chatroom” thing that all the middle schoolers and undercover cops seem to think is so cool.  This text has been edited for clarity and spelling (especially on “Krabappel”).

It’s no secret that Zombie Simpsons routinely copy and pastes jokes, situations and even whole plots from The Simpsons.  They’ve been doing it for more than a decade now.  But episodes like “Bart Gets a Z” are like half-cooked fan fiction: they took an idea that had already been done, changed a few of the nouns, stripped it of all its wit and intelligence and – presto! – instant Zombie Simpsons.  And since it’s on teevee and not some dank corner of the internet no one can tell if you cant spel gud.

We spared Mad Jon from watching it this week, marvel at his incredulousness when we tell him what happened.

Mad Jon: I didn’t see the episode so I have nothing to say yet

Charlie Sweatpants: Not seeing it is most wise.

What would you say if I told you it was like Sweet Seymour Skinner’s Baadassss Song, but with Krabappel instead of Skinner getting fired?

Dave: Charlie and I sat in stunned silence for most of it

Mad Jon: ha, what was the title again? I remember the description, something about Bart drugging Mrs K

Dave: “Bart Gets A ‘Z’”

Charlie Sweatpants: Which had nothing to do with anything, near as I could tell.

Dave: We never figured out what the ‘Z’ stood for.

Mad Jon: I would say, “Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.”

Dave: I think the substitute teacher’s name was Zachary or some shit

Maybe that was it.

Mad Jon: Clever

Charlie Sweatpants: Oh yeah, there was also a “cool” substitute teacher whose main purpose seemed to be listing social networking sites so that the kids would think he was cool.

He turned out to be an alcoholic at the end for some reason.

Dave: Even so, the episode ended up on a “what the hell” sort of note

Charlie Sweatpants: I know I complain about the lack of anything that could be called story in Zombie Simpsons a lot, but this was truly just a bunch of random sketches strung together.

Dave: That’s generous

Edna extracts revenge through stale muffins

I know we run a Zombie Simpsons hate site but there was precious little that was objectively enjoyable in that episode

Charlie Sweatpants: The muffin thing, the “Answer” thing, the Rodney Dangerfield thing, it just went lurching from one item to the next.

Mad Jon: So Bart drugs Krabappel, gets a substitute who is hip, he becomes a drunk and Mrs K gets a copy of Swank before getting her job back?

Did Homer cry at all?

Dave: Yep!

Charlie Sweatpants: Yes.

Dave: For nearly 25 seconds

Mad Jon: Wow, lofty even by Zombie standards

Charlie Sweatpants: During a parent teacher conference with the hip teacher, Marge wasn’t there for some reason.

Dave: That was just one of many extended scenes of filler

Charlie Sweatpants: Come to think of it, Marge was hardly in this one.

Dave: Was she in it at all?

Mad Jon: and Homer still doesn’t work at SNPP?

Charlie Sweatpants: No.  In fact, he really had only three scenes: at the beginning when he was playing with the dog naked, the crying with the teacher, and then a brief and pointless heart-to-heart with Bart where nothing happened.

It was so ill structured that it was a surprise when it would go to a commercial. Not only did the scenes have nothing to do with each other, but you couldn’t even really tell when one was over.

Mad Jon: I was going to say that this may piss me off more than most things in that Homer lost his blue collar and was given an adamantium skeleton and over productive tear ducts.

Dave: Some other fun facts we learned last night

Mad Jon: Do go on

Dave: Disco Stu is a Christer, or as he calls himself “super Christian”

Mad Jon: Shut up

Dave: Seriously

Ask Pants

Mad Jon: I’ll take your word for it.

tell me he had a rhinestone cross or something

Dave: No just an off the cuff mention. Then he disappears for the rest of the episode

Charlie Sweatpants: Yeah, much of the episode saw Krabappel in her apartment. That’s where Stu bust in for an unannounced six second cameo before leaving.

There was a lot of that.

Mad Jon: Hmm, any Comic Book Guy?

Charlie Sweatpants: A good minute is Krabappel watching a Rodney Dangerfield “Back to School” movie.

Not that I recall.

Dave: Thank god, no CBG

Another minute wasted watching the kids play with their cell phones

And another minute watching the kids gather alcohol

Mad Jon: Which kids?

Dave: Bart etc.

Charlie Sweatpants: And don’t forget “The Answer”, which I think was an attempt to parody “The Secret” but seemed more like a dinner theater rendition of the Da Vinci Code.

Yeah the alcohol gathering montage ate quite a bit of clock.

Dave: Is “The Secret” even worth ripping on? We all know it’s bullshit already, and the episode didn’t really rip on it as much as it did rename it

Charlie Sweatpants: It’s Season 21, they’ll take anything they can get.

Mad Jon: Isn’t that the deal where you can make whatever you want happen if you “Believe in yourself”?

Dave: Basically, yes

Charlie Sweatpants: Pretty much, Oprah was flogging it for awhile.

Dave: Which leads Edna to open a muffin store

Mad Jon: A secret is invariably inversely equal to the amount of people who know it.

Charlie Sweatpants: Which, as someone on Twitter pointed out, was actually the name of a muffin store on “The Facts of Life” in about 1983.

Mad Jon: What was that, the name?

Charlie Sweatpants: Edna’s Edibles.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Facts_of_Life_(TV_series)

“In 1983, Jo and Blair graduated Eastland Academy while Natalie and Tootie were still attending school there. To keep the four girls under one roof, the plot involved Roger, Mrs. Garrett’s son, buying a bakery for her and convincing her to go into business for herself; she named it Edna’s Edibles.”

Dave: And because the writers were able to dig that up, we’re supposed to react how exactly?

Charlie Sweatpants: That’s just it, was it intentional or not?

Honestly neither would surprise me.

Dave: It seems too superficial to even be intentional

Mad Jon: That show ran nine seasons.

Dave: But what do I know what these assholes were on while they were writing the episode

Charlie Sweatpants: If it is intentional then they’re just citing it, if it isn’t intentional then their knowledge of pop culture has become really really tenuous.

If it was a joke it wasn’t a funny one, if it wasn’t a joke then it just shows how disconnected they’ve become. Either way it doesn’t reflect well on them.

Mad Jon: I seem to think that the writers no longer care for their own reflection. Kind of like you pants, but even more tragic.

Charlie Sweatpants: Tragic is the right word.

Dave: There was plenty of citing in this episode, that seems to be the show’s MO these days

Oh yay, the writers know about Facebook!

Charlie Sweatpants: Eventually Bart started feeling sitcom guilty, and he thought about giving the new teacher booze, but didn’t, but then the new teacher was drunk anyway, so it all worked out. I can’t even do its incoherence justice.

Dave: Eventually? It happened almost instantaneously

Mad Jon: Funny because I think there was a commenter who talked with Charlie about the episode title shift to almost all parodies. And now they are parodying their own titles.

And not in a cute way like “Bart’s dog gets an F”

Charlie Sweatpants: But like we said, the title didn’t have anything to do with the episode, it just needed a “cute” title so they grabbed that.

Dave: It goes beyond the titles too – more autofellatio. There was another “picture a day” bit, but with the substitute instead of Homer

Charlie Sweatpants: Oh yeah, he also knows about YouTube!

And texting!

Dave: Good lord, the writers are so freakishly contemporary.

How can we strive to be like them?

Mad Jon: “I miss Joe Piscopo”

Dave: IGN called the episode “dependable”

Mad Jon: Like a crutch?

Dave: it also “didn’t crap the bed with uselessness”

Mad Jon: Or a herpes flair-up?

Charlie Sweatpants: Oh, I’ll get to IGN.

Dave: I know, I read that bit earlier and couldn’t resist.

Apparently good writing skills are optional at IGN

Charlie Sweatpants: I’d also like to point out that last night’s contained more recycled jokes than usual.

Mad Jon: Joe Piscopo’s profile on Hulu.com “goodfella3772” says he watched “Homer the Whopper” two days ago

Charlie Sweatpants: From Krabappel putting Bs on all the papers (which she used to do before drinking) to the substitute’s little freak out at the end when he says “Only alcohol can make life bearable, you must drink, always drink.”

Mad Jon: Hey he sounds a lot like you, poindexter

Dave: Jon, did you know Skinner moonlights as a magician?

Mad Jon: I do now!

Dave: Knowing is half the battle.

Mad Jon: The other half is figuring when to pull out.

Which is why I was happy not to watch last night

Charlie Sweatpants: Yeah, honestly I can’t think of a single redeeming moment, not one. Dave?

Dave: Nada

Mad Jon: Not even a chuckle?

No funny movie posters?

Dave: and I’ll give credit where credit is due, there’s usually at least something sort of funny

Mad Jon: So this was worse than the previous week.

Is what you are trying to tell me.

Charlie Sweatpants: Nothing last night though. It was just a complete mess, with about five half cooked ideas that had nothing to do with one another.

Mad Jon: But it was in HD right?

Sorry, I’m trying hard to at least seem like I want to try to play devil’s advocate, which i don’t.

Charlie Sweatpants: Yeah, but it’s a cartoon so the whole HD thing has always kinda mystified me.

Dave: Jon, that’s like asking whether you prefer syphilis or gonorrhea

Mad Jon: Hey, at least the clap has an answer.

Dave: You mean antibiotics?

Mad Jon: Yes, yes I do. Unfortunatly for the next 2 years, there will be no cure for the plague which has befallen us.

Dave: I turn to four words to summarize my thoughts:

Kill it with fire.

Charlie Sweatpants: It’s all digital now, I don’t think fire will work.

Mad Jon: “You know what to do now? Burn the house down! Burn ’em all!”

Dave: Damn it.

Charlie Sweatpants: Alright, talking about this awful thing is making me relive it, can we be done or are there any lowlights we didn’t cover?

Dave: We’re done. It sucked. There’s nothing left to say or do.

Mad Jon: Worthy of Websters Dave, worthy of Websters.