Image used under Creative Commons license from Flickr user Lisa Brewster.

“Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires!  We could buy all kinds of useful things like . . . love.” – Homer Simpson

In our continuing mission to bring you only the finest in low class, low brow, and low tech internet Simpsons commentary we’re bringing back our “Crazy Noises” series and applying it to Season 21.  Because doing a podcast smacks of effort we’re still using this “chatroom” thing that all the middle schoolers and undercover cops seem to think is so cool.  This text has been edited for clarity and spelling (especially on “aggravating”).

This installment of Zombie Simpsons was so lifeless, so barren of anything that could be called originality or humor that we really didn’t have much to say about it.  (That our collective blood alcohol level was lower than usual didn’t help.)  How many times can you point out that the characters are acting like comedy writers instead of themselves?  How many times can you observe that the ratio of filler to content is sky high?  How many nonsensical plot points can three men endure? 

Seriously, this episode is to comedy what the lunar surface is to life. 

Charlie Sweatpants: Shall we get down to it?

Mad Jon: Ok then

  I just watched this today, and as usual I was unable to pay it full attention.

Charlie Sweatpants: Full attention is not what this one deserves.

Mad Jon: But if I remember correctly Homer wins 1 million dollars and can’t tell Marge right?

Dave: Yep, exactly

Charlie Sweatpants: It’s that rare trifecta of suck where they a) didn’t have remotely enough material, b) what they did have was crazy and boring and c) had a celebrity guest voice playing himself for no reason whatsoever.

Mad Jon: So the man who told a classroom of people what turns Marge on, can’t tell her he was late to a wedding for a million dollars.

Wait, wait, wait, Are you telling me the Man who skipped marriage counseling so he could go fishing, can’t tell his wife he won a million dollars.

Dave: Yes in name and but not character, they are one and the same

Charlie Sweatpants: And that’s only the beginning of its problems.

We could be here a long time if you recite all of the more difficult things Homer has done in the past.

Mad Jon: You know, I think there was one funny line. But it was followed by the second most aggravating thing that happened in this episode.

Charlie Sweatpants: Do tell.

Mad Jon: I laughed when Bart asked Homer why he wasn’t having fun or something, and Homer said that if he wanted to have fun he would have left when Bart was born. That was kinda funny.

  It was, of course, followed by Homer asking for advice from Bart about how to be more selfish.

  Which was the 2nd most aggravating thing I saw.

Dave: What won the prize?

Charlie Sweatpants: I don’t know man, okay that was bad, but I can think of a lot more than just one other thing that was more aggravating that that.

Mad Jon: Well, we will have to agree to disagree. As other than the fact that Homer’s first stop after getting the money wasn’t Moe’s, I found that line the most blood-angering.

Seriously, the man went to Moe’s the instant he sold his entire stock portfolio for $25 bucks.

Charlie Sweatpants: You’re right about that.

That is easily the most out of character thing there was, and for this episode that does say something.

The break dancing cave man was bad, which was only there because they had already stretched that wretched scene at the dinner table well past the breaking point. Both “money spending” montages were weak to say the least, it felt like I was watching one of Adam Sandler’s lesser offerings. The toast, both the rehearsal and the actual one, were painful.

Mad Jon: Yeah, but they dragged on so long that I experienced more boredom than anger. I think I have been conditioned.

Charlie Sweatpants: Of course if they’d had Homer go to Moe’s and open a tab he would’ve died of alcohol poisoning three minutes later and then they’d be about 13 minutes short.

Dave: No you’re wrong about that Charlie

  They would’ve had another piece of shit montage. That seems to be their thing this season.

Mad Jon: Or he could have stumbled home, drunkenly told Marge what happened, she gets pissed, he spends episode trying to figure out what went wrong, until Lisa or Apu saves the day.

At least we could have had montages similar to those in seasons 9-12 as opposed to those of seasons 13-20.

Charlie Sweatpants: Enh.

[Editor’s Note: There was about a three minute pause here where no one said anything.]

Charlie Sweatpants: So, uh, I got nothing, apparently.

I know this episode is utterly devoid of content, but it feels like we’ve barely started.

Dave: I dunno, you’re both more riled up than me. Apparently I’m just numb to all of this now

Charlie Sweatpants: I wish I were numb . . .

Mad Jon: The Cartridge Family, I’m with Cupid, Take My Wife, Sleaze, etc. There are many episodes that are kind of crappy, but not the shithole this one was, that follow the same plot line I just said. And this could have been one of those pretty crappy episodes.

But now I feel kind of greasy for trying to defend the fact this could have been a bad, but not as bad episode.

As an act of contrition, I will now try to kick myself in the balls.

Dave: How’d that work out for you?

Mad Jon: Hold on…

Charlie Sweatpants: This one had “blast crater” written all over it from the start. The b-plot is thin and has no conclusion, the a-plot is even thinner but manages to take up all of its allotted time through montages and unrelated set pieces that make an episode of SNL look like a tightly plotted ballet.

Mad Jon: There was a b-plot?

Dave: The Funtendo Zii

Charlie Sweatpants: Lisa with the old people and the not-Wii.

Mad Jon: Oh yeah….

Dave: Again, they reference stuff but fall well short of parody or humor

Mad Jon: A little Deus ex machina to end that one if I remember. The aides dishwash the Wii right?

Dave: Bingo

Charlie Sweatpants: There’s yet another wasted comedy opportunity as I’d previously thought old people + video games has a decent chance.

Mad Jon: Remember when Bart was trying to teach Grandpa to play video games… That was something could all enjoy.

Charlie Sweatpants: That was, what, Season 3?

Mad Jon: Something like that.

Charlie Sweatpants: You’re correct, of course.

  Now we have to treat the old people with respect.

  Speaking of which, why the hell was Burns trying out a Wii?

Mad Jon: I don’t know. Something about killing Nazis

Charlie Sweatpants: That was almost as bad as the Moe scene in terms of, “Help we’ve got to fill some time!”

Anything else we should mention, specific or general?

Mad Jon: When I saw Moe walk up I thought to myself “Hey, He’s going to ask why Homer isn’t at the bar! That would make sense!” But then I remembered that nothing in the parallel universe that is Zombie Simpsons actually makes sense.

Charlie Sweatpants: It would’ve also been funnier.

Mad Jon: Perhaps, but I guess we will never know.

Charlie Sweatpants: I think we can make a fairly confident guess.

Dave, has your numbness abated enough to spew some hate? That’s cool if not, as I said I kind of envy you. I’m not trying to prod, I’m trying to wrap this up.

Dave: Nah, I’m sort of floating through this one. I think you’ve both hit on all the things I should’ve have been annoyed with, but for one reason or another wasn’t

Mad Jon: You could say Charlie has the same goal as a man kicking himself in the junk, he just wants the pain to end. Trust me on that one.

Charlie Sweatpants: You need to put me in contact with your drug dealer, post haste.

Dave: Also, this is the second episode in as many weeks with a romantic ending, and I’m a grumpy fuck

Mad Jon: Why? Are you going to make him fight yours for the territory?

Charlie Sweatpants: All in the game.