“Perhaps you’d be more comfortable talking to Snappy the Alligator.” – Mr. Smithers “Maybe.” – C.M. Burns The episode where Burns sells out to the Germans occurs halfway through Season 3. By this early point in the series we’ve already seen him gleefully cancel employee Christmas bonuses, run for governor, run down a child in his car, commit Homer (involuntarily) to a mental hospital, and rage scald Smithers with hot tea. As a human being he is comprehensively vile, uncaring about the pain his actions inflict and rich enough to cause damage on a scale most evil people could only dream about. And yet . . . as Smithers himself says, “People think that because he’s rich and powerful and cruel he doesn’t have feelings like other men, but he does.” This is part of what makes Burns such an enduring villain. Sure, he’s a grotesque; but there’s a logical (albeit vile) humanity to him. Like many an old person, he has regrets about how he could have spent his younger years, but his are about “wiping out nations with the stroke of a pen”. And as twisted as he is, he does have a tender side. Expressing it and indulging it just happens to destroy people’s lives, but to Burns that is incidental. Enter Snappy the Alligator, a hand puppet Smithers uses to soothe his boss and coax him into revealing what he’s really feeling. It’s ludicrously childish, but it’s also funny as hell. A hundred million dollar decision upon which the fates and livelihoods of his workers depend comes from an old man talking to some green felt. That’s Burns in a nutshell: bugfuck crazy, indiscriminately cruel, and deeply, deeply sad. Lucky for no one, his folk guitar class was cancelled and he bought the plant back. Capricious comedy at its finest.
Tag: Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk
Quote of the Day
“Get out! This is my office now! Get out! . . . You too! This is a place of business not a peewee flophouse!” – C.M. Burns
Quote of the Day
“Watch me blend in. . . . Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my buddy here.” – C.M. Burns
Makeup Quote of the Day
“Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned. Hold your nose, Smithers, we’re going in.” – C.M. Burns
Makeup Quote of the Day
“Sir, I feel there’s something you’re not telling me. Perhaps you’d feel more comfortable talking to Snappy the Alligator.” – Mr. Smithers “Maybe.” – C.M. Burns “Hello, Mr. Burns.” – Snappy the Alligator
Quote of the Day
“You’re going down, my friend.” – C.M. Burns “Yes, sir, Mr. Burns.” – Boxer
Quote of the Day
“C’mon, everybody! It makes you feel better.” – Bart Simpson
Quote of the Day
“Hey, wait’ll you see Lenny. He just got back from the plastic surgeon.” – Charlie “Jeez, Lenny, looks like you got the works.” – Carl “Well, it started out as an eye tuck, but the stock kept going up!” – Lenny
Quote of the Day
“Whatever happens, we’ll pay the bills somehow.” – Marge Simpson “Marge, it’s not the money. My job is my identity! If I’m not a safety whatchamajigger, I’m nothing!” – Homer Simpson Edited to add: no Reading Digest today. I’m going out of town for the weekend and won’t have time to get to it before I leave. Sorry.
Quote of the Day
“Maybe a nap will boost my spirits.” – C.M. Burns “I’ll get that whale song cassette you like, sir.” – Mr. Smithers
Reading Digest: Pondering the Absence of Shearer Edition
“Oh, sir, what will you do next?” – Mr. Smithers “Well, first I’ll get that new hip I’ve been hankering for, then, who knows? Beekeeping, boxing, bocce ball, the world is my oyster, Smithers! Farewell.” – C.M. Burns I’m finally digging out all the Shearer related stuff I didn’t have time to get to over the last couple of weeks, and I have found a couple of gems. There’s a Hollywood insider take, a journalist take, and a fan take, all on what his (potential) leaving means for the show. In addition to that, we’ve got some excellent references, great fan art, a bunch of .gifs, and a wildly dickish local news team. Enjoy. Harry Shearer’s excellent Simpsons adventure – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this Hollywood insider perspective on Shearer’s situation from a longtime TV writer who actually knows him: “What is he thinking?” asked dozens of text messages from people who know that we’re friends. “Is he insane?” He is not insane, I told them. Harry Shearer is a fantastically gifted writer-performer-director, and after 26 years of voicing the characters of Mr Burns, his devoted assistant Smithers, school principal Skinner, irritating neighbour Ned Flanders, and many others, Harry simply decided to do something else. “He’s ill, isn’t he?” asked one person. No, I said. He isn’t ill, either mentally or physically. He just can’t see how he’ll be able to devote the time his future projects require if he’s also committed to several more years of The Simpsons. He goes on to make the case that the money is the least important part of this. I still don’t know whether or not Shearer’s actually leaving, but this is very good perspective. Why a Shearer-less ‘Simpsons’ can survive – I like this article. The basic premise is that the show sucks anyway so who cares if they replace Shearer? Variety bash team Simpsons Car 1111 hosts a charity golf day – That is phenomenal Simpsons swag from Australia. Q & A With Bill Oakley on Portland Playhouse’s “Mr. Burns: A Post-Electric Play” – Heh: Have you seen the play? If no, why not? If yes, thoughts? BO: I have not seen the play because I do not like to leave my house. If they want to come over here and perform it, I can push back a couch in the living room and maybe provide Cheetos and Snapple. And: There have been so many celebrity cameos on The Simpsons. Who has not been on the show yet that you would like to see make an appearance. BO: We could never get Stockard Channing to appear on the show for some reason and I’m pretty sure she is still alive. So STOCKARD CHANNING it is. The Simpsons – Absolutely outstanding Simpsons tablecloth which can be yours on Etsy for $200. Click through for lots of detailed pictures and real Simpsons love: The tablecloth was found in a thrift store, like all of my accoutrements. The lace edge and sunshine yellow called my name,…
Reading Digest: Moar Sam Simon Tributes
Sam Simon was so widely beloved that there was no way to sort through even a part of people’s tributes to him last week. Now that the noise has settled down and big media outlets are on to the next thing, this week we’ve got a ton more great stuff about the man. There’s other stuff too, of course, but mostly it’s Simon. Enjoy. My buddy Sam Simon. – Smooth Charlie’s Link of the Week is this long and loving encomium for Simon by a writer who met him over poker. It’s long, but it’s a great read. Someone built all of Springfield in Minecraft to recreate the ‘Simpsons’ opening – Now this is an impressive act of geekery: There’s a little tour of the place at the link. Dark Ink Art To Release Dave Perillo’s Second Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Print On March 17, 2015 – I do not have $50. But that is gorgeous. (And no Zombie Simpsons!) The secret heart of The Simpsons – Our old friend Alec Nevala-Lee takes a look at the creative mix that made the show and how it’s impossible to either pin down or overstate Simon’s contribution. Remember Sam Simon – Well put: Sam Simon’s legacy for The Simpsons was the creation of a cartoon that an educated person could watch and not be ashamed at; the humor would be intelligent and not dumb itself down for the lowest common denominator. The Simpsons pub trivia is SUPER SERIOUS. – A great writeup of the last trivia in Chicago. Easton Hospital buys site for new hospital in 1915 – Almanac March 11, 2015 – Look at all the neat stuff you can find digging through newspaper archives: 25 years ago: Be cool, dude: In answer to an Express Street Talk question about U.S. Postal Service plans to raise the price of stamps from 25 cents to 30 cents, “Who do you think should be on the new stamp?” Donna Snyder, of Allentown, said, “Tom Petty. I like his tunes.” Joanne Panulla, of Belvidere, said, “Boomer Esiason, he looks great on a football card and he would look even better on a postage stamp.” Said Phillipsburg student Robin Torquati, “Bart Simpson. He’s a cool dude and he’s my idol.” Bartmania lives on. Simpsons Homer Dan Castellaneta Remembers Sam Simon – Some nice words from Homer himself: “I first met Sam while we were doing “The Tracey Ullman Show.” My first memory of him from those days was that although he had already been in the business for a while, he was still kind of a wunderkind. He’d be sitting there with all these experienced guys — Jerry Belson, Jim Brooks — and there’d be times when people would be stuck for a line. I’d see Sam thinking and talking to himself, and then he would say something. At least 70% to 90% of the time, it would be a really great, succinct line. Mad Men’s Peggy Olson and the allure of TV spin-offs – Excellent usage: “Spin-off”! Is there any word more thrilling to…
Quote of the Day
“Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order: Simpson, Homer. That is all.” – Horst
Quote of the Day
“Alright, Mr. Burns, you win. But beware, we Germans aren’t all smiles and sunshine.” – Horst “Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I’m so scared. Ooh, the Germans. Uh-oh, the Germans are coming to get me. Oh, don’t let the Germans come after me. Oh, no, the Germans are coming after me. No, they’re so big and strong. Oh, protect me from the Germans.” – C.M. Burns
Quote of the Day
“What’s wrong, sir? Did I get some in your eyes? The shampoo specifically said ‘No More Tears’.” – Mr. Smithers “Ah, a lovely promise, but one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo.” – C.M. Burns
Quote of the Day
“Lousy German know-it-alls, who are they to say I’m not safe? Oh, what’s the matter with this thing? . . . No problems here.” – Homer Simpson
Quote of the Day
“Let me ask you something, does your money cheer you up when you’re feeling blue?” – Homer Simpson “Yes.” – C.M. Burns “Okay, bad example.” – Homer Simpson
On the Jockey Elves and the Land of Chocolate
“Well, uh, I wish the candy machine wasn’t so picky about taking beat up dollar bills . . . because a lot of workers really like candy.” – Homer Simpson “We understand, Homer. After all, we are from the land of chocolate.” – Horst “Mmm, the Land of Chocolate.” – Homer Simpson There’s little doubt that “The Principal and the Pauper” is the most infamous episode in the history of the show, in no small part because it was one of the first episodes that was basically 100% boring. Prior to Armin Tamzarian blazing his way into the history of the decline and fall of The Simpsons, even episodes that hadn’t been up to the show’s all but impossibly lofty standards still contained plenty of excellent material. “The Principal and the Pauper” was so demented, however, that everything that might have resembled humor got squeezed out in favor of trying to make that painfully ditzy plot move along. “Saddlesore Galactica”, coming two and a half worsening seasons later, had many more bad episodes to hide amongst than “The Principal and the Pauper”, but manages to make a strong case for second place on the infamy list by doing essentially the same thing: having a main premise that is elementally, painfully and incomprehensibly bad. At it’s most basic, having horse jockeys be subterranean elves is a decently Simpson-y idea. Jockeys really are small, sometimes frightfully skinny people, and if one dressed as an elf for Halloween he’d be a shoe in for best costume at most parties. Taking that stereotypical and mildly offensive similarity and making it funny is exactly the kind of thing The Simpsons did. The difference is that when The Simpsons put up impossible flights of fancy, it kept them fantastical and it kept them short. When Snowball II and Santa’s Little Helper are watching the news late at night in “Bart’s Comet” and feign sleep as Bart walks by, it’s something that you know isn’t serious. When Homer flings himself out of the power plant and crashes the car while singing the Flintstones’ theme in “Marge vs. the Monorail”, it doesn’t affect the story, it’s just a funny way to open the episode. When they show Vishnu working switches at the center of the Earth in “Bart vs. Australia”, it doesn’t change any other scene, it’s just a background gag to keep things lighthearted. As a concept, “all jockeys are really elves” fits in well with those. But instead of being tucked safely into a real story like it should’ve been, the jockey elves were put on center stage and left out to dry. This is the crucial failing of this episode, the one bad rivet that sends the whole bridge crashing down the ravine. It’s so unexpected and plainly stupid that, like Skinner being an imposter and then everything going back to normal, you have to wonder how anyone, let alone professional comedy writers, could ever have thought it was a good idea. To illustrate just…
Quote of the Day
“So let’s get to know each other better. Do we have any alcoholics among us?” – Horst “Uh, me.” – Alcoholic #1 “Right here.” – Alcoholic #2 “I’m drunk right now.” – Alcoholic #3
Quote of the Day
“Look, a blue collar bar! Oh, Smithers, let’s go slumming.” – C.M. Burns Happy 20th Anniversary to “Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk”! Original airdate: 5 December 1991.