There are two links to the collected wisdom of Bart’s chalkboard writings this week; I like one, the other less so.  Also, for some odd reason there’s lots of correctly quoted but bizarre usage this week, including from a chiropractor and a global warming denier.  We’ve also got YouTube clips, some excellent usage and some always apt swipes at the Grammy Awards.

Enjoy.

Marge Simpson Sexy Calendar Pin-up Pics, "The Devil Wears Nada" – I suppose this was inevitable.  Someone has created a little slideshow of all the “sexy” drawings of Marge from that horrible France episode. 

Dr. Hibbert (from The Simpsons) Talks About Chiropractic Care – I don’t know what kind of chiropractor this guy is.  I do know that chiropractors in general tend to make rather outsize claims for what they can do (though maybe not this guy, I don’t know).  Were I misguided enough to be chiropractor, however, I wouldn’t cite that awful Season 12 episode where my entire profession is shown as replaceable by a garbage can.  He does get the quote almost dead-on though, so I guess this is good usage. 

The 29 Best Chalkboard Gags In "Simpsons" History (PICTURES) – I’m not a big fan of The Huffington Post for other reasons, but this list is about 1/3 Zombie Simpsons and that’s 1/3 too much. 

Social : Learn the truth about fruit…is it the diabolical diet-killer it’s sometimes made out to be or is it just fruit and actually pr – Are there really people who think eating fruit can make you fat?  I’m no dietician, but I’m going to guess that if you’re having a hard time losing weight the apples are not to blame.  Then there’s this mildly good usage:

In the words of Homer Simpson…"This jelly donut has purple stuff in it. Purple is a fruit."

The actual quote is:

Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No thanks.  Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside.  Purple is a fruit.

So he’s close but not on.  Out of recognition for the fact that he’s dealing with very confused people, and that’s never easy, I’ll still call it good usage.

Jesus Christ Dumped From Jury Pool For Disruption – A woman in Alabama who changed her name to “Jesus Christ” was called for jury duty and then dismissed for being disruptive.  Comes with shaky-cam YouTube of the origin of Jebus from “Missionary: Impossible”. 

Cartoon smut law to make life sucky for Olympic organisers – The idea that the 2012 London logo looks like Lisa Simpson giving a blowjob is not new.  According to the Register though, a recently passed law in the UK may mean that the logo may be illegal if a jury held that it did indeed look like an eight-year-old going down on someone.  Fun. 

Is that you? yes its me? me? no you? so you? – This is a complaint about ultra-dense people that cities a shaky-cam YouTube of the classic “Hello Mr. Thompson” scene.  I was chuckling along until I got to this:

this world is overpopulated with people that Darwinism’s theory of evolution failed to get rid of…

Mad Jon is our resident expert on evolutionary theory (seriously), I’ll just point out that “Darwinism” isn’t a concept anymore than gravity is “Newtonism” or relativity is “Einsteinism”.  This word, I do not think it means what you think it means.

THE SIMPSONS – DO THE BARTMAN – Just because.  Also, someone is up on their 80s/early-90s pop culture.  Ninja Turtles and the Fresh Prince everyone knows about, but “Mysterious Cities of Gold”?  That takes me back. 

Freezin’ – Famed science blogger PZ Myers got his doors replaced.  He lives in Minnesota.  It’s December.  His update upon warmth returning is excellent usage:

No worries. Doors installed; house warming up. Urge to kill… fading… fading… fading — rising! Fading… fading… gone.

Bartholomew JoJo “Bart” Simpson – One man’s collection of Bart Simpson t-shirts.

Simpsons still life – Someone else linked to that kickass (but sadly still non-existent) threadless design.  I may be forgetting the first two Noble Truths of the Buddha here, but man, I desire that on a t-shirt. 

One man’s baggy pants is another man’s well fitted trousers – The law of unintended consequences comes to marketing and it’s accompanied by excellent usage. 

All-American Rejects, Taking Back Sunday fire up crowd with dynamic show at Palladium – The All-American Rejects covered Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re an American Band” which prompted this reviewer to cite Homer’s description of Grand Funk.  For some reason he skipped the middle (no “The bong rattling bass of Mel Schacher”) but other than that it’s all there.  With good context and applicability I’m going to declare this excellent usage even with the missing passage (he’s writing in a newspaper in Dallas, they might still think “bongs” are unspeakably evil or something).

Bart’s Blackboard – This is a relatively new Simpsons site that’s been making the rounds lately.  It’s a list, with screen grabs, of Bart’s chalkboard gags.  They’re doing one per day and have just crossed into Season 7. 

FUCK YOU, SHE’S AWESOME – Somebody loves Lisa and Leela.  Hooray! 

As much as man achieves, he can do nothing without God – I understand that some people take quoting things like Deuteronomy and Corinthians more seriously than quoting things like “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish”.  I think they’ve got their priorities mixed up, but it’s not really any of my business.  However, if you’re going to open an article that quotes the Bible (New International Version, near as I can tell) with a quote from the Simpsons, shouldn’t quote accuracy be applied equally?  In fact, it should be easier to quote from the Simpsons since, unlike the Bible, we actually have access to the original material.  He does get the Bart quote mostly right though, so I’ll call this decent usage. 

Why do so many believe in fake conspiracies yet ignore the real global warming fraud? – I couldn’t make this up, and, in terms of wildly missing the point of a Simpsons quote, this blows away the chiropractor above.  After correctly quoting Lisa’s skepticism about Homer having seen an alien in “The Springfield Files” this guy attacks the Houston Chronicle over those recently stolen emails for naively believing the “experts” (his quotes) who made up global warming as a kind of hoax.  The nefarious purpose of this conspiracy?  The monetary boondoggle that is scientific employment, natch.  (Again, I am not making this up.)  In the process he  makes fun of people who believe in JFK and 9/11 conspiracies (pot this is kettle, kettle I’d like you to meet pot) before proceeding to quote the endlessly discredited Ann Coulter in defense of the idea that global warming is a massive conspiracy.  The head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa thinks that’s far fetched. 

In other news, the RAND corporation is working with the saucer people and the reverse vampires to wrest control of the country from the Free Masons and the Stonecutters.  Also, Ted Koppel is a robot. 

Healthy holiday tips and time savers – This isn’t even close:

When Marge Simpson was fed up with the kids fighting in the car, she pulled over, got out and left.  She checked in to a spa.  From her bubble bath she called room service.  “I’d like a bottle of tequila and a hot fudge sundae please?”

However, it was written by a yoga instructor just trying to give out some holiday recipes so quote accuracy isn’t exactly at a premium here.  Besides she remembered two of the most important parts (hot fudge sundae & tequila) and I think she got her point across so I’ll call it decent usage.  For the record, Marge calls room service from her bed and says:

“Hello, room service?  This is Marge Simpson.  I’d like a hot fudge sundae, with whip cream, and some chocolate chip cheesecake . . . and a bottle of tequila!” 

HOPKINS: Albany cuts but still doesn’t get it – This guy’s complaining about the New York State budget and he nails the quote about Bart’s uncle Arthur listening to the voices inside his head.  Excellent usage (albeit a strange argument, sure people are pissed but I don’t think they’re ready to start gunning down legislators but for “the consequences”). 

Simpsons in Avatar – I don’t know squat about “Avatar: The Last Airbender”, but this is a list of scenes from it that reminded the author of the Simpsons.  Best part?  No Zombie Simpsons.

Armchair quarterbacking the 2010 Grammy nominations broadcast – And now we’ll conclude with something that all Simpsons fans (Buddhists, Christians, chiropractors, climate deniers and fans of the All-American Rejects) can agree upon.  Even all these years later . . .

Among the many, many insults lobbed at the Grammy Awards over the years, few have been as winningly on-point as those articulated by that great bastion of American cultural criticism, “The Simpsons.” In the classic Beatles-parodying episode “Homer’s Barbershop Quartet,” a dispirited Homer Simpson hands his recently won award to the show’s ubiquitous pimply faced teenager, who throws it to the ground after realizing it’s a Grammy.

That episode aired in 1993. 16 years later the criticism of the Grammy Awards as irrelevant and out-of-touch has only grown more trenchant.

Read the rest if you think the Grammys suck.  Personally, I don’t care enough about them.

Bonus YouTube via the LA Times:

Apologies for getting this up much later than usual.  Work had the temerity to demand the great bulk of my time today.  Now it’s drinking time.