“Bad dog!  Let go!  Bad Santa’s Little Helper!  Stop it . . . oh, not the sports section!” – Homer Simpson

We have two links this week to pieces of sports writing.  Once is coherent and well thought out, the other is not.  It goes almost without saying, but the former includes excellent usage and the latter includes poor usage.  There’s also a fictional teacher poll, a movie review, misspelled advocacy, vodka, a great tattoo, and lots of excellent usage. 

Enjoy.

The Simpsons Movie Brings the Groove Back – Sort of – An opinion of the movie that’s more generous than mine, though he makes some good criticisms. 

Life Imitates The Simpsons – A guy in England who was harassing a gay couple who are neighbors of his had himself and his family pulled from their burning home by said gay couple.  Guess he’ll have to start using the word “fruit” instead of “sissy”.  Or, you know, their names. 

Gary Shteyngart’s Rules for Vodka Drinking – Oh vodka, if I remembered enjoying you, I wasn’t doing it right.  From an interview with author Gary Shteyngart:

ESQ: In Absurdistan, you wrote about these feasts of food and alcohol that become orgies of consumption. Was that a commentary on new Russian wealth or a nod to tradition?

GS: Well, vodka has a huge history in Russia, in that it’s almost like a currency. It’s the one thing that keeps the country in the dark ages and having a rollicking good time. At one point, I believe Homer Simpson said, "To alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of our problems." It’s that kind of circular thinking that’s absolutely perfect. Alcohol causes a lot of problems, and then to solve these problems, you drink more. What other culture can consume that much alcohol and be around the next day?

Close enough for extemporaneous excellent usage, though of course it’s actually “life’s problems” not “our problems”. 

The Top 5 Best Simpsons Games of All Time – A list of (mostly) Simpsons video games.

Lesbian Bathhouse – This is neither a porn site nor one of those tasteful movies on late night cable, but rather a play in Edinburgh.  From the description:

A feminist comic romp

In Helen Eisenbach’s comic piece, actresses turn up for an audition to a sexually charged theatre production, the creation of the heard but never seen Rod Laselle (voiced by Harry Shearer of The Simpsons and Spinal Tap fame).

Go Harry go!

Breaking down the epic career collapses – To my surprise, ESPN.com is still publishing Page 2.  I thought they kept Bill Simmons and sent everyone else to a farm upstate where they’d have lots of space to run around and play with other writers.  If this article is any indication of the current level of quality, that one-way farm trip may not be far off.  This is supposed to be a list of ten “career collapses” and, while some qualify, I don’t see how the word “career” applies to the Oakland Raiders or “Hair Metal”.  Lest ye think I’m being too harsh, check out this triple fail when discussing Arnold Schwarzenegger:

Page 2 spin: In "The Terminator," Schwarzenegger famously promised "I’ll be back"; outside of rollicking action flick "True Lies," he never really was. To borrow from "The Simpsons": magic ticket our [expletive]!

Not only does he have his Terminator movies confused and the quote mangled, it’s actually “Magic ticket my ass, McBain!”, but you can’t even write a relatively tame word like “ass” on what’s supposed to be ESPN’s “edgy” page?  For fuck’s sake, you could say “ass” on network television in 1994!  Who’s on your editorial board?  Jerry Falwell and the last surviving members of the Catholic League of Decency?

Things I Learned in San Francisco – Writer goes to San Francisco, drives downtown with a friend.  The Homer voiced GPS has a bit of a conniption:

Kasie’s GPS had the voice of Homer Simpson, so it was like Homer was our tour guide. You need to keep that in mind because it makes everything funnier. It went like this Downtown:
"Turn right in 50 yards."
-Fifty yards go by-
Me: Uhhh, this is a one way street, we can’t.
-Kasie drives straight because we have no choice-
-Homer freaks out, freezes, becomes entirely unhelpful-
"Turn around as soon as possible."
"Turn left."
"Turn right."
Kasie: Make up your mind, Homer!
Me: I think he might be drunk again….I know the Bay is to our left, just turn left as soon as you can.
Kasie: How do you know that?
Me: I’m a homing pigeon.
Kasie: Okay, if you say so.
(I was right, by the way. I totally kicked Homer’s butt Downtown.)

Should JetBlue flight attendant face criminal charges? – This post on Steve Slater, America’s new folk hero, involves excellent usage:

This reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Homer quit his job and Marge asked if there’s any way he could get it back: "Not the way I quit. Hoo-hoo." I kind of hope he beats the rap here. Nobody got hurt, and it sounds like the passenger really was being a jerk.

Well quoted. 

First Impressions – Keith has just started a blog.  In the best of traditions, Keith quoted Simpsons:

I want to move forward, not backward; upward, not downward; and always twirling, twirling toward the future.”
– Kang (as Bill Clinton).

The quote’s off, it’s actually, “We must move forward, not backward; upward not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!”, but it’s his first day so we’ll cut him some slack.  Welcome to WordPress, Keith. 

Best Bogus Teacher Poll Part 2 – It’s a poll of fictional teachers between Mrs. K, Severus Snape, Mr. Garrison and Donald Sutherland from Animal House. 

Quit Spending Your Money with Assholes – Serious comic book fans are, well, serious.  Scroll down for an ass tattoo you won’t soon forget. 

Monday Medley – Our pals at No Pun Intended continue to quote Simpsons with the best of ’em:

Further proof that William Faulkner can write about anything, as if we needed it. Remember the words of Moe Szyslak: “William Faulkner can write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think.” Our favorite sentence from this Faulkner Sports Illustrated piece from 1955? ”But [the ice] looked not expectant but resigned, like the mirror simulating ice in the Christmas store window, not before the miniature fir trees and reindeer and cosy lamplit cottage were arranged upon it, but after they had been dismantled and cleared away.”

Home improvement – In talking about how technology has made staying at home to watch just as fun as going to a sporting event, we get this piece of excellent usage:

Last year, NFL crowds were down three per cent from the peak in 2007, but television viewing was up two million fans per regular-season game over 2008. The economy may be one reason, but so is the fact that, as Homer Simpson once said, TV gives so much and asks so little.

Even without quote marks, that’s dead on and very apt.  Well done. 

Lady Gaga kicks off Lollapalooza: On the scene – Still more excellent usage:

The Simpsons once made fun of Lollapalooza as “Woodstock, only with advertisements everywhere and tons of security guards.” That’s truer now than ever.

Once again, dead on and very apt. 

Friday Round-Up – Via Webpaige we find the image at right.  Now, I support most any prejudice you can name, especially the one against hidebound fools who think marriage ought to be the exclusive domain of heterosexuals and people willing to pose as heterosexuals.  I also recognize that the spell checker in Photoshop leaves much to be desired.  But come on, people.  Nothing is worth supporting Zombie Simpsons in any way shape or form, and misspelling eight letter words will not get anyone to take you seriously. 

The 22 Best Simpsons™ Episodes (And The 3 Most Disappointing) – I’d disagree with the three disappointing ones, and the main list has a dash of Zombie Simpsons here and there, but on the whole this is okay.  (via)

Take2: Leave it to the experts… – Advice on love through the medium of Homer Simpson quotes.  They look to be correct, and, yeah, the man’s words are genius. 

The Simpsons – Our old friend Hoang at Wally Champ comes through with tremendous YouTube:

Adding:

This 20 second clip is the reason why Classic Simpsons will never be trumped. A boy gets murdered because of his testimony to keep McGarnagle out of jail. HAR HAR HAR!

Hear hear.