“Colonel Klink! Why have you forsaken me?” – Homer Simpson The hallucinatory Stradivarius Cain in “The Spy Who Learned Me” isn’t quite as bad an idea as a tiny green space alien that only Homer can see, but it’s not far off. Even if we set aside some of the more glaring incongruities about Homer’s imaginary friend (what’s with the other imaginary characters interacting with him? were there any reasons besides killing time and cross promotional masturbation for him to pop out of FOX’s stupid football robot?), we’re still left with a number of problems that illustrate not only how bad an idea this was, but how poorly they executed it as well. First, consider why Cain is in the episode. He appears when Homer is sitting in Moe’s watching television, bluntly declares that he’s the result of the concussion Homer has suffered, and that he’s there to help Homer get back into Marge’s good graces. Right here at the start, strange things are happening even if we set aside the oddity that apparently some part of Homer’s brain knows how to be suave, confident and charming. By the time he appears, Homer’s concussion is pretty far in the past. Thanks to Zombie Simpsons’ relentless insistence on terrible pacing, the concussion happens just before the five minute mark but Cain doesn’t show up for six more minutes after that, past the halfway point. On its own this wouldn’t be too terrible, except that at the end, after Homer gets clonked on the head with that guy’s gun, the other characters and Cain show up instantly as Homer pounds on his own skull with a rock. I didn’t know that rock could do that. Even more than the usual problems that arise from plot holes and weird leaps of logic, this kind of inconsistency is extremely shitty storytelling. Cain showed up at Moe’s long after the initial injury with only his say so linking his presence to Homer’s getting hit in the head (and even that was done in passing). Then when the unnamed guy bashes Homer with the gun, there’s no indication whatsoever that the blow made Cain disappear, so having Homer start hitting himself to get Cain back is doubly strange. I know I usually complain that Zombie Simpsons over-explains things, but in this case they did the opposite. Compare that undercooked justification to the simple efficiency of Homer’s guardian angel in “The Last Temptation of Homer”. Homer’s in a panic because his home life is a mess, he thinks teevee is telling him to cheat on his wife, and the marriage counselor to whom he just confessed his secret desires ended up being Ned Flanders. When Flanders tries to get Marge on the line, Homer freaks, hits his head on the side of the phone booth, and poof, Sir Isaac Newton. See, Zombie Simpsons? This isn’t that hard. There’s no doubt in the audience’s mind as to who this semi-transparent guy is or why he’s there. He doesn’t…
Tag: The Spy Who Learned Me
Crazy Noises: The Spy Who Learned Me
“Ah, McBain, so glad you could make it. Have a salmon puff.” – Senator Mendoza “Alright.” – McBain As part of our tireless efforts to demonstrate the many ways Zombie Simpsons fails to entertain, Season 23 will be subjected to the kind of rigorous examination that can only be produced by people typing short messages at one another. More dedicated or modern individuals might use Twitter for this, but that’s got graphics and short links and little windows that pop up when you put your cursor over things. The only kind of on-line communications we like are the kind that could once be done at 2400 baud. So disable your call waiting, plug in your modem, and join us for another year of Crazy Noises. This text has been edited for clarity and spelling (especially on “Snuffleupagus”). In general, “Stradivarius Cain” was not one of the better ideas to get barfed onto my television by Zombie Simpsons. His only real trait is being an exaggerated version of James Bond, which is fine as far as it goes, except for the fact that there have been so many of those over the years that it’s hard to even count them all. The first James Bond movie came out fifty years ago, and after five decades it doesn’t seem too much to expect that decent parodies need to be a little more than cartoonish villains and a hero who looks good in a tuxedo. The one dimensional nature of Cain is laid bare in the opening scene where we see his movie. A bunch of goofy looking bad guys are having a meeting when one of them steps forward to ask about Cain: Not Quite a Nazi Guy: But are you sure we will not be bothered by the American master spy Stradivarius Cain? Old Guy with Mustache: Do not worry about Dr. Cain. The last I saw him, my beautiful mistress was about to finish him off. That leads to the beautiful mistress doing one of those hokey old vaudeville overreactions where she’s surprised, then she realizes what’s happening, then she covers it up so poorly that anyone who’s half awake knows she’s lying: Old Guy with Mustache: You killed him, right? Beautiful Mistress: Yes. He was the perfect lover . . . of being killed. Old Guy with Mustache: It’s a weird sentence, but let’s move on. This is a great example of Zombie Simpsons just having no clue what its doing. The scene as shown would be more at home in a slapstick comedy than a big action movie, but because Zombie Simpsons pretty much always goes for the cheapest possible laugh, they jam it in there no matter how strange or out of place it is. When The Simpsons did McBain, they played it straight ahead because they understood that the concept they were parodying was inherently funny. They knew that just having McBain’s ludicrous arms punch their way out of the frozen Venus de Milo sculpture while…
Failing to Make Fun of James Bond, Bravo Zombie Simpsons
“Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.” – Homer Simpson “We know, Dad.” – Lisa Simpson “I just thought I’d remind everybody. After all, we did agree to attend this self help seminar.” – Homer Simpson “What an odd thing to say.” – Bart Simpson Near the end of “The Spy Who Learned Me”, Homer and Marge are running away from a nameless (and apparently Bolivian) guy who has just pulled a gun on Homer. This is the dialogue . . . Marge: Why is he trying to kill you? And why did she call you her love? Homer: It was all a training exercise to make me smooth for you. Of course, she fell for me, and of course I wanted no part of her. Now the only one who can help us is Stradivarius Cain. Marge: The guy from the movie? Homer: I’ll explain later! Strad, come back! I know you’re in there! . . . and then Homer bashes himself in the head a few times with a rock. I like this scene, not because it’s funny or entertaining, but because it crams virtually every problem from the rest of the episode into a single moment. To begin with, it’s mostly unnecessary exposition. Take “Now the only one who can help us is Stradivarius Cain”. There is absolutely no reason for Homer to say that. The audience already knows who he wants to see, and while it’s true that Marge doesn’t, she’s about to vanish from the scene without explanation, which is another problem this episode has in spades. From Nelson robbing kids right from Willie’s hand and Krusty just appearing in that movie to all those women Homer hits on, “The Spy Who Learned” me has a boatload of mysteriously appearing and disappearing people. And there’s the fact that the scene itself makes no sense: no one else at this fancy party noticed the violence or the gun, Homer and Marge make it to the woods in no time at all, and, despite the fact that the guy compliments Homer on his hiding skills, Homer wasn’t hiding at all. He was standing up and talking out loud, a very poor way not to be seen.* When all is said and done, this scene is so dense with problems established earlier in the episode that, in a weird, funhouse mirror kind of way, it’s almost like an actual plot climax. There was a B-plot as well, something that started about childhood obesity but then ended with Nelson getting into ludicrous shape with help from a personal trainer. It had many of the same problems, starting with the fact that Krusty’s mansion is shockingly accessible to anyone who wants to wander into it. Anyway, the numbers are in and they are just awful. Last night only 4.75 million viewers realized that their imaginary friends say more interesting things than that total waste of Bryan Cranston. That’s good for #2 on the all time least watched list,…
Sunday Preview: The Spy Who Learned Me
Image bloodied by Dave. It’s time for another episode of Zombie Simpsons. Per Wikipedia: Homer and Marge’s date night goes so badly that Homer, who suffered a serious head injury during the fiasco, pretends to go to work instead of staying home to recover and seeks out advice from fictional spy Stradivarius Cain, who gives Homer lessons on how to truly be the husband Marge deserves. Guest star: Bryan Cranston At least this week’s lazy, derivative episode title isn’t as long as last week’s.