“Then I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.” – Homer Simpson
Tag: Last Exit to Springfield
Quote of the Day
“He’s a worthy foe. Look at him, Smithers, exercising away while the others are off at the candy machine.” – C.M. Burns “Hey, Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back?” – Homer Simpson “Okay, but it’s the last time.” – Lenny
Quote of the Day
“My friends, tonight we unveil my most diabolical creation: swank. Ten times more addictive that marijuana! To human misery.” – Senator Mendoza “Ice to see you.” – McBain
Quote of the Day
“Who is that firebrand, Smithers?” – C.M. Burns “That’s Homer Simpson, sir.” – Mr. Smithers “Simpson, eh? New man?” – C.M. Burns “Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude.” – Mr. Smithers “Doesn’t ring a bell.” – C.M. Burns
Quote of the Day
“Dental plan.” – Memory Lenny “Lisa needs braces.” – Memory Marge “Dental plan.” – Memory Lenny “Lisa needs braces.” – Memory Marge “Dental plan.” – Memory Lenny “Lisa needs braces.” – Memory Marge “Dental plan.” – Memory Lenny “Lisa needs braces.” – Memory Marge “Dental plan.” – Memory Lenny “Lisa needs braces.” – Memory Marge “Dental plan.” – Memory Lenny “Lisa needs braces.” – Memory Marge “Bullseye!” – Karl “Thanks a lot, Karl. Now I’ve lost my train of thought.” – Homer Simpson “Dental plan.” – Memory Lenny “Lisa needs braces.” – Memory Marge “Dental plan.” – Memory Lenny “Lisa needs braces.” – Memory Marge
Quote of the Day
“And Gummy Joe, where would you be without the dental plan?” – Homer Simpson “I wouldn’t have ol’ Chomper here, that’s for sure!” – Gummy Joe
Quote of the Day
“Welcome, brothers of Local 643, as you know, our president Chuckie Fitzhugh ain’t been seen lately. We’re all praying he’ll turn up soon, alive and well.” – Carl
Quote of the Day
“Where’s my burrito! Where’s my burrito! Where’s my burrito! D’oh!” – Homer Simpson
Quote of the Day
“Maggie’s teeth are coming in crooked. Has she been sucking on a pacifier?” – Dr. Wolf “Uh, not to my knowledge.” – Marge Simpson “Liar!” – Dr. Wolf
Quote of the Day
“How often do you brush, Ralph?” – Dr. Wolf “Three times a day, sir.” – Ralph Wiggum “Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?” – Dr. Wolf
Quote of the Day
“The mirror . . . the mirror!” – Lisa Simpson Happy birthday Danny Elfman!
Compare & Contrast: Homer the Incorruptible
"We don’t have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract." – C.M. Burns "Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?" – Homer’s Brain "And if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours." – C.M. Burns "Wait a minute, is he coming on to me?" – Homer’s Brain "I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what’s the harm?" – C.M. Burns "My God, he is coming on to me." – Homer’s Brain "After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows." – C.M. Burns For a simple and common act, bribery requires a surprising amount of finesse. Whether the initiating party is asking for the bribe or offering it, when it comes to the exchange of money for dishonesty the presentation is always the tricky part. You have to let the other person know that you’re willing to break the rules, but only in a way that both of you can later deny if necessary. It’s a delicate thing, and the last person you’d ever want to see on the other side of it is Homer Simpson. That frustrating situation confronts nuclear plant owner Monty Burns in Season 4’s "Last Exit to Springfield" as well as the nameless, central casting gangster in "You Don’t Have to Live Like a Referee". Both are trying to get Homer to roll over for cash, but the Homers they have to bribe are as different as they are. There are four parties in these two attempted transactions. In the first we have Burns and regular Homer; and in the second we have Gangster Guy and Zombie Homer. Before we get to the actual bribery, however, let’s take a quick look at each one of them and why they’re doing what they’re doing: The Burns of Season 4 is the very definition of ruthless. Not only does he hate his employees, he’s willing to go to the mattresses over their dental plan out of nostalgic spite. The money is important to him, but not as much as the principle of being able to wall one of them up whenever the urge hits him. For Burns, bribing the head of the union to betray his fellows is just expediency, and when things don’t go well right away, he goes to hired goons out of habit. The Homer of Season 4 is a working schlub everyman who doesn’t want to have to pay for his daughter’s braces. In that sense, his motivation going into the negotiations is a lot like Burns’. The difference is that Homer isn’t acting out of malevolence, he’s reacting to the evil of Burns and just trying to get back something he already had. Gangster Guy has no background, he’s just a gangster. Why does he want to fix the World Cup? Because he’s a gangster. Haven’t you ever seen any of their movies? Zombie Homer is who he pretty much always is: a weirdly invincible superman. Fly to Brazil to be (apparently) the only referee at the…
Compare & Contrast: Strikes and Strikebreakers
“Goodbye, Springfield, from Hell’s heart, I stab at thee!” – C.M. Burns The line everyone knows from 1987’s Wall Street is, “Greed is good”. Of course, Michael Douglas doesn’t quite say that; his actual line is “Greed, for lack of a better word, is good”. Either way it’s not the best line in the movie. That honor goes to Martin Sheen, playing the skeptical head of an airline mechanics union. Sitting in Gordon Gekko’s excessively 1980s penthouse as the iconic bankster of the time licks his chops over wage cuts now for theoretical profit sharing tomorrow, Sheen sagely notes: “The rich been doing it to the poor since the beginning of time. The only difference between the Pyramids and the Empire State Building is the Egyptians didn’t allow unions.” The fight between labor and management is as old as the hills, and labor has only one weapon: organizing. Not that unions are all smiles and sunshine. They can be every bit as corrupt, short sighted, and greedy as their opponents, and the conflict between the two are often complicated, messy and painful. In other words, the whole thing is fertile territory for satire, parody and general yuk-yuks. Like many rich comedy veins, whether fart jokes or mocking those clowns in Congress, taking a swing at employers, employees and their eternal struggle against one another can be done with verve, insight and wit, or it can be done quickly and cheaply with the barest minimum of thought or humor. Not being particularly fond of either thought or humor, Zombie Simpsons went with the second option. Lisa’s cheerleader union plot begins after she is twice magically transformed by the cheerleaders into and out of a cheerleader outfit, so things don’t exactly get off to a good start, but they do manage to cover the bare minimum of "strike" plot points. Basically these: 1. The need to strike 2. The decision to strike 3. The strike itself 4. Management’s counter moves 5. The resolution All of these have been done by The Simpsons, of course, most completely in "Last Exit to Springfield". Obviously the B-plot for “Labor Pains” has much less screen time than the A-plot of “Last Exit to Springfield”, so instead of comparing them in whole, just consider those five scenes that they have in common. 1. In Zombie Simpsons, Lisa discovers how poorly compensated the “Atomettes” are when the Rich Texan walks over to them and pays them their meager wages, helpfully expositing the amount just in case anyone wasn’t paying attention. It’s perfectly hacktacular, with characters walking on and off as needed, repeated explanation, and no real connection to anything we’ve seen so far. (And nevermind pulling a theoretically 8-year-old girl out of the crowd and putting her in a skimpy costume to dance around in front of a bunch of drunken dudes.) In The Simpsons, Burns decides he wants to cancel dental insurance for his workers more or less out of spite. He remembers the good old days…
Quote of the Day
“I move that Homer Simpson be our new union president! All in favor?” – Carl “Aye!” – Nuclear Plant Workers “All opposed?” – Carl “Nay.” – Mumbly Guy “Congratulations, Homer!” – Carl “Hey, what does this job pay?” – Homer Simpson “Nothing.” – Carl “D’oh!” – Homer Simpson “Unless you’re crooked!” – Carl “Woo-hoo!” – Homer Simpson
Quote of the Day
“Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike: argle-bargle or foofaraw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers.” – Kent Brockman “I brought my own mike.” – Dr. Joyce Brothers
Quote of the Day
“What do we want?” – Carl “More equitable treatment at the hands of management!” – Striking Workers “When do we want it?” – Carl “Soon!” – Striking Workers
Quote of the Day
“Who is it?” – Homer Simpson “Goons.” – Goon “Who?” – Homer Simpson “Hired goons.” – Goon “Hired goons?” – Homer Simpson Happy 20th Anniversary “Last Exit to Springfield”! Original airdate 11 March 1993.
Quote of the Day
“Now, stay tuned for professional wrestling live from the Springfield grapplearium. Tonight, a Texas death match, Dr. Hillbilly versus the Iron Yuppie! One man will actually be unmasked and killed in the ring!” – Wrestling Announcer “I hope they kill that iron yuppie, thinks he’s so big.” – Homer Simpson
Crazy Noises: The Spy Who Learned Me
“Ah, McBain, so glad you could make it. Have a salmon puff.” – Senator Mendoza “Alright.” – McBain As part of our tireless efforts to demonstrate the many ways Zombie Simpsons fails to entertain, Season 23 will be subjected to the kind of rigorous examination that can only be produced by people typing short messages at one another. More dedicated or modern individuals might use Twitter for this, but that’s got graphics and short links and little windows that pop up when you put your cursor over things. The only kind of on-line communications we like are the kind that could once be done at 2400 baud. So disable your call waiting, plug in your modem, and join us for another year of Crazy Noises. This text has been edited for clarity and spelling (especially on “Snuffleupagus”). In general, “Stradivarius Cain” was not one of the better ideas to get barfed onto my television by Zombie Simpsons. His only real trait is being an exaggerated version of James Bond, which is fine as far as it goes, except for the fact that there have been so many of those over the years that it’s hard to even count them all. The first James Bond movie came out fifty years ago, and after five decades it doesn’t seem too much to expect that decent parodies need to be a little more than cartoonish villains and a hero who looks good in a tuxedo. The one dimensional nature of Cain is laid bare in the opening scene where we see his movie. A bunch of goofy looking bad guys are having a meeting when one of them steps forward to ask about Cain: Not Quite a Nazi Guy: But are you sure we will not be bothered by the American master spy Stradivarius Cain? Old Guy with Mustache: Do not worry about Dr. Cain. The last I saw him, my beautiful mistress was about to finish him off. That leads to the beautiful mistress doing one of those hokey old vaudeville overreactions where she’s surprised, then she realizes what’s happening, then she covers it up so poorly that anyone who’s half awake knows she’s lying: Old Guy with Mustache: You killed him, right? Beautiful Mistress: Yes. He was the perfect lover . . . of being killed. Old Guy with Mustache: It’s a weird sentence, but let’s move on. This is a great example of Zombie Simpsons just having no clue what its doing. The scene as shown would be more at home in a slapstick comedy than a big action movie, but because Zombie Simpsons pretty much always goes for the cheapest possible laugh, they jam it in there no matter how strange or out of place it is. When The Simpsons did McBain, they played it straight ahead because they understood that the concept they were parodying was inherently funny. They knew that just having McBain’s ludicrous arms punch their way out of the frozen Venus de Milo sculpture while…
Crazy Noises: Them, Robot
“Crush, kill, destroy.” – 100% Loyal Robot Workers As part of our tireless efforts to demonstrate the many ways Zombie Simpsons fails to entertain, Season 23 will be subjected to the kind of rigorous examination that can only be produced by people typing short messages at one another. More dedicated or modern individuals might use Twitter for this, but that’s got graphics and short links and little windows that pop up when you put your cursor over things. The only kind of on-line communications we like are the kind that could once be done at 2400 baud. So disable your call waiting, plug in your modem, and join us for another year of Crazy Noises. This text has been edited for clarity and spelling (especially on “poisoning”). Zombie Simpsons makes no secret about the way the front of the episode is often completely unrelated to the rest of it. (It’s the sort of thing they’ll nervously joke about on commentaries.) Things often take rather severe turns at or around the first commercial break, usually because the opening is more of a self contained sketch than setup for the rest of the plot. For the most part I’ve grown numb to that, but “Them, Robot” took this to a new level of story indifference. The opening of the episode is Homer on an alcohol free weekend because the plant is having a drug test on Monday. When the drug test finally got around to happening, after Jerkass Homer went to a nice restaurant and spat in other people’s food (naturally, they applauded), I thought that was going to be the reason Burns used to fire all the employees. After all, if every employee flunks the drug test, why not hire robot workers? Zombie Simpsons being Zombie Simpsons, they didn’t do that. Instead they had a guy we don’t know suffer from radiation poisoning and die, a plot element that wasn’t mentioned again, and which had nothing to do with the finale when Burns rehires all his old workers. That kind of rank plotting isn’t unusual for them. (And, as you can see above, The Simpsons managed to do this whole story better in three words, two scenes, and ten seconds.) But in this instance they had a simple way to make the story (such as it was) kinda work, and they still didn’t do it. From my humble vantage point at the receiving end of the chattering cyclops, I have no idea how they manage to produce episodes this consistently sloppy. But things like this do make one wonder if they don’t need to put some caffeine in the water cooler down there at 1 Zombie Simpsons Plaza. Note: Dave and Mad Jon have both gone intercontinental this week. Fortunately, Magdalena from Lenny Tunes and Mike from Me Blog Write Good were kind enough to join me. Mike: So Charlie, you wanna kick off, or what? However you normally do this. Charlie Sweatpants: I’m ready to get started if you…