“I’m Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?” – Bart Simpson “Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m the Devil! And you’ve earned eternal damnation for your lifetime of evil deeds, Bart. Spitting off the escalator just clinched it.” – The Devil Last week I got an email from a friendly guy named Morgan Criger in Toronto: I did a really decent Simpsons Hieronymus Bosch painting in quarantine and I thought it would be right up your alley. And he was right, check out this beauty: You can see these and more at his site: http://www.morgancriger.com. (There’s also a black & white ink version of this same painting there.) For my money, the best part is Snake as the unrepentant thief and Dolph as the penitent thief (confessing to Monk Sergeant Skinner), but there’s a lot of great details if you look carefully. Oh, and here’s the Wikipedia article on the original if, like me, you are vaguely aware of Bosch but know basically nothing about him. Here’s another one: Burns is the obvious choice as Hell Shitter (with kleenex boxes on his feet!), and there lies Bobo, ignored like his vow to be good and kind to everyone. I also enjoy that there are three Republican presidents down in hell and James Woods appears to be getting his liver flayed. Finally, and a little more earthbound, is his Soviet propaganda parody, “Insect Car is a Friend”: I asked what it said, and he replied: The text I believe is in Serbian and reads something something about workers (possibly “workers unite” or “crush capitalism”) and the second line should translate to “Insect Car is a Friend” – the name of the piece. Put it in H! There’s a lot more non-Simpsons art at his site http://www.morgancriger.com, so check that out if you’re so inclined. As a bonus, we may be getting more: I’m actually toying with the idea of doing a Bosch crucifixion where Jesus has the insect hood ornament for a face and Vaclav is weeping. It’s a rather stupid idea, but it could be fun. Is that a stupid idea? Yes, but in the absolute best way, and I can’t wait to see it. Also: if you’ve created (or run across) other excellent Simpsons fan art out there in the wilds of the internet, the email link is right over there.
Tag: Bart Gets Hit By a Car
Quote of the Day
“Homer, what’s happened to you? All this greediness and lying and shifty lawyers and phony doctors…” – Marge Simpson “Phony doctors? Hello.” – C.M. Burns “Do you know what I’d settle for if it was up to me? Bart’s medical bills and an apology.” – Marge Simpson “And you won’t even get that. Sorry, offer’s expired. I guess we’ll just have to let the jury decide, twelve good men and true. Good day. Smithers, release the hounds.” – C.M. Burns
Makeup Quote of the Day
“Now, Bart, can you roll your eyes back in your head like this?” – Lionel Hutz “Oh, you mean like I’m dead? Yeah, sure!” – Bart Simpson “The kid’s a pro!” – Lionel Hutz
Quote of the Day
“Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?” – Bart Simpson “Oh, sure, yeah. But, ah, you wouldn’t like it.” – The Devil “Oh, okay. See you later, then!” – Bart Simpson “Goodbye, Bart! Remember: lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music!” – The Devil “Yes, sir!” – Bart Simpson
Quote of the Day
“No! Take me! I’m old! . . . That’s what happened. . . . What are you looking at me like that for? You believed his cock and bull story!” – C.M. Burns
Quote of the Day
“Dad, may I please make an observation?” – Lisa Simpson “Oh, what is it?” – Homer Simpson “I think this is all a charade to make Bart look more injured than he really is.” – Lisa Simpson “Maybe Lisa does have a point. I don’t mind you boys doing this in the living room, but in court doesn’t Bart have to tell the truth?” – Marge Simpson “Yeah, but what is truth? If you follow me.” – Lionel Hutz
Quote of the Day
“Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt.” – Judge Moulton “You wouldn’t dare.” – C.M. Burns “Well, no, I guess I wouldn’t.” – Judge Moulton
Quote of the Day
“You’ll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You’ll also be getting this exquisite, faux pearl necklace, a ninety-nine dollar value, as our gift to you.” – Lionel Hutz
Character, Story, and A One Syllable Punchline
“Hello, Bart. Now, you know the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, don’t you, son?” – Judge Moulton “Maybe.” – Bart Simpson There’s a great exchange near the beginning of the trial in Season 2’s “Bart Gets Hit By a Car”. Bart has just taken the witness stand, covered in fake bandages and sitting in an unnecessary wheelchair. The judge asks if he knows the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie. He replies with a nervous “maybe”. This is an understandably intimidating situation for a 10-year-old. Sitting at the lawyer’s table are Homer and Lionel Hutz, and when the judge then asks Bart if he’d, “lie to the United States?”, Bart glances over and we see this: They’re on screen for barely a second, but it’s plenty, because the episode has already shown us exactly how all of these characters got here. Homer wasn’t initially planning to sue Burns over the accident, but once shyster extraordinaire Lionel Hutz mentioned a million dollar settlement, Homer’s greed took over and now the two of them are desperate for Bart to lie in court. Marge and Lisa, who’ve been growing increasingly worried over Homer and Bart’s scheme to get rich by suing Homer’s boss, are sitting there in the background, looking none too pleased. For his part, Bart isn’t nearly as blinded by greed as Homer and Hutz. After the trial collapses, we see him casually wonder about how cool it would’ve been to get the money. (He takes it much better than Homer.) But Bart is still on board with lying to get the money, he just needs a little guidance. No sooner does he see Hutz and his father quietly telling him to lie to the judge, then he quickly and confidently replies, “No.” For starters, Nancy Cartwright gives a great delivery of that lone syllable. The apprehension that was in her voice for Bart’s earlier “maybe” is all gone as he eagerly goes along with the lie. The writing also deserves credit because the rest of the story is so well put together that just a single two-letter denial can become a punchline. We’ve seen Homer get greedy, we’ve seen him and Hutz coaching Bart in the living room, we’ve even seen them blow Marge off when she tries to object to them telling her son to perjure himself. Bart is a clever kid, but he’s still just a kid. He needs to know from his dad that he is indeed supposed to tell his cock and bull story on the witness stand, even after the judge presses him to only tell the truth. Homer’s complete lack of scruples about putting his son in that position then becomes a set-up for Bart’s one syllable response that shows him happily going along with his father’s scheme. None of this requires Homer to get hurt, or scream, or go wingsuiting or something. This is Homer as understandable loser, who sees this as his big shot at getting rich and is…
Quote of the Day
“Your honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is; and that he is not like other men.” – Blue Haired Lawyer “I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!” – C.M. Burns
Reading Digest: Hopeless Lawsuit Edition
“I’m going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It’s not quite as large as the last one, but I think you’ll find it fair.” – C.M. Burns “I think we should take it.” – Lionel Hutz There were two big Simpsons news stories this week. First, the “Simpsons World” app/website finally launched. I took a quick look, but it spent lots of time buffering and seemed to be struggling under launch-day loads, so I’ll come back to that next week. (We do have quite a few links about it, however.) The second was that an actor who played a minor character in Goodfellas is suing the show for [Dr. Evil pinky] two-hundred-and-fifty-million-dollars [/Dr. Evil pinky] because Legs looks like him. It doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell, and even if they someone convince FOX to pay them (which would be very un-FOX like), it’ll be a teeny tiny fraction of that. Yet for some reason this hopelessly longshot lawsuit got tons of press. It was linked all over the place, with plenty of them just mindlessly repeating the big scary number. We’ve got a link, but there’s basically nothing to it. More importantly, Halloween is next week, and the annual crush of costumes (and tattoos!) has begun. There are some really good ones in our first link, and there’s more where that came from. And, of course, there’s lots of other random items as well: the Homer computer doll with infrared eyes, Harry Shearer just being himself, Jean dutifully slogging through another interview, a decidedly unlicensed music video, and much more. Enjoy. Classic Simpsons Trivia Chicago Costume Contest 2014 – I put this up on Twitter, but it’s really worth a look. I can see why the Clown Bed won, but Dr. Hillbilly and the Iron Yuppie should’ve at least gotten some kind of couples or group costume award. Ashley Grant and the Luann in her jacuzzi suit are also pretty damned awesome. Never miss an episode with smart Homer Simpson – This is awesome. Someone took a Homer doll, slapped some electronics into it, and now it automatically turns on the doll’s eyes whenever the show is on. Bravo, tech geeks. Bravo. 5-sentence review of ‘The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horror XXV’ – Heh: The appearance of the Simpsons characters as the originally appeared in animated shorts on “The Tracey Ullman Show” is proof that even “The Simpsons” is nostalgic for the pre-dull “The Simpsons.” Good one. The Simpsons in Retrospect – A thorough breakdown of the decline of the show that includes a chart of the ever declining popular opinion of the show. How Harry Shearer Discovered the Soul of Richard Nixon – There’s a little bit of Simpsons stuff in here, Shearer calls Burns more purely evil than Nixon, but this is my favorite part: MJ: Is there any other president you’d like to play? HS: Well, I’ve, on my radio show I’ve played every one since— MJ: How’s your Garfield? HS: Poor. But who’s to know? Ha! Shearer is the…
Quote of the Day
“I think the boy’s hurt.” – Mr. Smithers “Oh, for crying out loud! Just give him a nickel and let’s get going.” – C.M. Burns
Quote of the Day
“Howdy, stranger.” – The Devil “I’m Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?” – Bart Simpson “Ah, please allow me to introduce myself, I’m the Devil.” – The Devil
Quote of the Day
"Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor?" – Marge Simpson "Better let him rest up a while first." – Dr. Hibbert
Quote of the Day
“Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart’s ambulance.” – Homer Simpson “Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson, Lionel Hutz attorney at law. Here’s my card, it turns into a sponge when you put it in water.” – Lionel Hutz “Ooh, classy.” – Homer Simpson
Quote of the Day
“Your son is a very sick boy, just look at the X-rays. You see that dark spot there? Whiplash.” – Dr. Nick Riviera “Whiplash? Oh, no!” – Homer Simpson “And this smudge here that looks like my fingerprint? No, that’s trauma.” – Dr. Nick Riviera
Quote of the Day
“Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.” – Lionel Hutz
Quote of the Day
“With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you’re not a doctor. The boy’s not a doctor. I’m not a doctor. The only person in this room who even comes close is this man.” – Lionel Hutz “Stop, you’re embarrassing me.” – Dr. Nick Riviera
Quote of the Day
“Excuse me Mr. Hutz, are you a shyster?” – Lisa Simpson “How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?” – Lionel Hutz Happy 20th Anniversary to “Bart Gets Hit By a Car”! Original airdate 10 January 1991.
Reading Digest: Even In Death You Can’t Escape The Simpsons Edition
“There seems to be a mistake. According to this you’re not due to arrive here until the next time the Yankees win the pennant, that’s nearly a century from now.” – The Devil Longtime New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner keeled over this week. You would not believe the number of times The Simpsons was mentioned in various articles and blog posts about him. This was in spite of the fact that he never appeared on the show. All by itself, Don Mattingly’s joke about still liking Burns better than Steinbrenner was enough to merit inclusion. There’s also a link to a post about “Paint Your Wagon” that, unsurprisingly, mentions The Simpsons. In other news, there’s a bunch of fan made stuff this week, lots of usage, a real person named Carl Carlson, and plenty of YouTube. Enjoy. Richmond shows how footy should be played – This is about an Australian rules football team: To borrow a phrase from The Simpsons, things sure are coming up Milhouse for Tigers fans. Excellent usage. The Simpsons Myers-Briggs Test – This looks to have been kicking around the internet for a couple of years, but I’d never seen it. It’s mildly interesting in an “I’m really bored” kind of way (via). REALITY TV – ARE FICTIONAL LAWYERS ON THE SMALL SCREEN CLOSE TO THE REAL THING? – LEGALLYBETTER.COM SURVEY RESULTS – Some UK lawyer website ran a survey asking people about famous teevee lawyers, what they thought of them, and whether or not they would hire them. Sensibly, nobody would hire Lionel Hutz. 22 Funny Wall Decorations and Framed Portraits From TV Sitcoms – Pleated Jeans is back, this time with background gags from various shows. The Simpsons stuff is mostly good, and I’ve always cracked up at the JFK style portrait over Zapp Brannigan’s bed. Slip-on neles! – This is not in English, but the pictures of the shoes need no translation, especially the pair with pink frosting and sprinkles. The Simpsons Homer Backwards Movement Wall Clock – Krusty Brand Seal of Approval for a Homer clock that moves counter-clockwise. I don’t think I’d want this particular clock, but it might be fun to have a clock that goes counter-clockwise, like one of those maps that has north at the bottom and south at the top. Nova Express – Cool, tricolor Homer. I don’t know how else to describe it. Tips for a successful and swift shopping trip – This is excellent usage in an otherwise crappy article: There is an episode of “The Simpsons” where tycoon C. Montgomery Burns loses his wealth. In the next scene, to show how he is now one of us, the writers scripted him to push a cart through a grocery store. He ends up alone in an aisle being unable to decide between ketchup and catsup. “Whoo, I’m way over my head here,” he concludes. Burns doesn’t actually say “here” at the end, but that’s extremely minor, and since the quote is apt I’m still…