Tag: Sideshow Bob Roberts

“Now, why are we doomed to this Quimby quagmire, you ask, oh, reasonable listener? Because this town is under the stranglehold of a few tie-dyed tree-huggers who would rather play hacky sack than lock up the homeless.” – Birch Barlow Rush Limbaugh died, and while I have read a few appropriately scathing summations, this is the best I’ve seen at explaining his appeal. Birch was cool to the uncoolest people in America, and it was worth tens of millions of dollars per year. 

“Boat’s on the other side.” – Prison Guard “Yes. Thank you.” – Sideshow Bob

“We want the truth!” – Bart Simpson “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth! No truth handler, you! Bah! I deride your truth handling abilities!” – Sideshow Bob If you’re here in the U.S. and you’re registered to vote, for fuck’s sake, go do that. I really really don’t want tomorrow’s quote to be about Bob stealing the election. And once you’ve voted, enjoy this fine list of ways to kill time until actual results come in: Simpsons Episodes for a Dreary Election.

“Hmm, I don’t agree with his Bart killing policy. But I do approve of his Selma killing policy.” – Homer Simpson

Center image is Alexis Smith, shamelessly taken from here. “What’s in it for us?” – Abe ‘Grampa’ Simpson “Yeah, give us something we like or we’ll ride you out of town on a rail!” – Jasper “Well, uh, what do you, uh, people like?” – Mayor Quimby “Sleep.” – Jasper “Sexy dames and plenty of ’em!” – Old Jewish Man “Matlock!” – Abe ‘Grampa’ Simpson

“You know, there are three things we’re never going to get rid of here in Springfield: one, the bats in the public library; two, Mrs. McFearly’s compost heap; and, three, our six term mayor, the illiterate, tax cheating, wife swapping, pot smoking, spend-o-crat Diamond Joe Quimby.” – Birch Barlow “Hey! I am no longer illiterate.” – Mayor Quimby

“And just look how happy he is.” – Kent Brockman

“Now then, gentlemen, the mayoral campaign is upon us. If we hope to defeat this Joe Quimby, we need a candidate with name recognition and media savvy, a true leader who will do exactly as he’s told.” – C.M. Burns “Monty, I’m way ahead of you. If you’ll just open that door you’ll see the next mayor of Springfield.” – Birch Barlow

“Students, I want you to be on your best behavior for this carefully choreographed media event. Now, this means there is to be no wising off, no face making, and no grass eating. This means you, Ralph.” – Principal Skinner “Yes, sir.” – Ralph Wiggum

“I shouldn’t have shaken hands with those old people.” – Mayor Quimby “I hope that flu doesn’t affect his performance.” – Lisa Simpson “Don’t worry, he’s taken a million of these capsules.” – Bart Simpson

“That Quimby fella promised to build us a Matlock Expressway.  How you gonna top that, smart guy?” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson “How’s this?  I’ll not only build the expressway, I will spend the remainder of this afternoon patiently listening to your interminable anecdotes.” – Sideshow Bob “Hot, diggity damn, me first!…Not many people know, I owned the first radio in Springfield.  Weren’t much on the air then, just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over.  A, he’d say, then B, C would usually follow…” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson

“Duh, stay out of Riverdale!” – Moose

“Well, I’ve had it!  I am going to make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free.” – Birch Barlow “Nooooooo!” – Bart Simpson “Well, despite Bart’s objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free, democratic elections.” – Mrs. Krabappel

“Oh my God, the dead have risen and they’re voting Republican!” – Bart Simpson

“My friends, isn’t this just typical?  Another intelligent conservative here, railroaded by our liberal justice system, just like Colonel Oliver North, Officer Stacey Koon, and cartoon smokesperson Joe Camel.” – Birch Barlow

“You see, Birch, I’m presently incarcerated.  Convicted of a crime I didn’t even commit!  Attempted murder, now honestly, what is that?  Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?  Do they?” – Sideshow Bob