“That’s what you get for not hailing to the chimp.” – Homer Simpson

There’s no new Zombie Simpsons until September, so we’re going to spend the summer overthinking Season 9.  Why Season 9?  Because we did Season 8 last summer, and Season 9 was when the show started becoming more Zombie than Simpsons.  Since we’re too lazy to do audio and too ugly to do video, we’ve booked a “chatroom” (ours is right between the one with the sexy seventh graders and the one with the bored federal agents pretending to be sexy seventh graders).  So log on to your dial-up AOL and join us.  This text has been edited for clarity and spelling (especially on “overachiever”).

Today’s episode is 916 “Dumbbell Indemnity”.  Yesterday was 914 “Das Bus”. 

Charlie Sweatpants: I said before that I find this one slightly worse, and I stand by that. I have two reasons for this. First, I hate insecure Moe so very much. Second, Rene has no character. She is one of the most boring one off characters in the history of the show.

Mad Jon: Those are good reasons. This is not a good episode. Just like with Das Bus there are some good lines, but the awfulness of the rest is much worse than the Bus.

Charlie Sweatpants: Agreed.

Dave: Insecure Moe is funny for maybe a minute, but they milk it for way longer here.

Mad Jon: Call me a retard, but I can’t even figure out the title.

  This is one of many terrible Moe episodes. The man is NOT A plot material.

Dave: Not even close.

Charlie Sweatpants: It’s a play on the Hitchcock movie "Double Indemnity".

Mad Jon: Well there you go. .Was the movie like this episode at all?

Charlie Sweatpants: Oops, sorry, it wasn’t a Hitchcock movie. I was thinking of "Vertigo".

Dave: The only thing they have in common, Jon, is insurance fraud.

Charlie Sweatpants: Pretty much.

Mad Jon: Well, good for the movie.

Charlie Sweatpants: But you’re right, insecure Moe is incapable of carrying an episode.

The funniest parts of insecure Moe are when he’s getting humiliated, often with assistance from Homer.

"The darkest bar in town", "A lot of people saw that", "the girl of your dreams has got to be in some bar", all of those are good.

Mad Jon: That’s because of your ugliness

Charlie Sweatpants: But once he hooks up with the empty shell that is Hank Azaria’s favor to Helen Hunt, it loses whatever punch it had.

Mad Jon: "ok you can be on the show, but just. stop. nagging. me."

Charlie Sweatpants: There’s nothing to Rene! Nothing. Jessica Lovejoy was a good one off female character, Allison Taylor was a good one off female character, Erin was a good one off female character, Ruth Powers was a good (two) off female character.

Rene just stands there, talking about how much she likes Moe until she doesn’t and then it ends.

Dave: Truth.

Charlie Sweatpants: Jessica was evil, Allison was an overachiever, Erin was cool, Ruth was angry, every one of them can be described. What was Rene?

Mad Jon: You don’t know anything about her other than she was dating Moe out of pity and sells flowers on the street at night.

Dave: Unlikeable doormat?

  Jane Everywoman?

Charlie Sweatpants: Could you even go so far as "unlikeable"?

Dave: No, I guess not.

Mad Jon: I don’t know enough about her to say any of that

Charlie Sweatpants: Is there enough there not to like?

Dave: That’d require personality.

Charlie Sweatpants: Exactly, she’s basically a prop to allow Homer and Moe to have a wacky adventure.

Dave: Just tossing darts, hoping something sticks.

Mad Jon: Who was selling the night flowers while she was out with Moe.

Charlie Sweatpants: Well, someone’s got to sell flowers at night.

  Or, you know, not.

Mad Jon: Yes.. Or not.

Dave: I never contextualized that. Night flowers are ridiculous.

Charlie Sweatpants: But that’s all we know about her. Moe spends a lot of money on her, okay, that I can buy. But we don’t know why. Rene never presses him for the good life, the only time they actually discuss what they’re doing (the Hawaii thing), she offers to go the cheap route.

If Moe gets a girlfriend that’s out of his league, fine. But you’ve got to show us that.

  Instead, we get a montage and immediate zany scheme.

And speaking of that zany scheme, was anyone else as troubled as I was by the very television-y feel to Moe on the police boat?

Mad Jon: I was surprised there wasn’t a laugh track.

Dave: The cheap setup and everything? No.

Mad Jon: But that’s what I get for not hailing to the chimp.

Charlie Sweatpants: Now that was funny.

Mad Jon: The movie was great

Charlie Sweatpants: Both the idea, and the execution.

But it’s a rare bright spot at the end, which is otherwise slow and awful and why in the hell did the car have to sink two thousand feet underwater?

  And why did the ghost of Homer haunt Moe?

  And why did Homer ride the library cart home?

And why was Barney there at the end after he hadn’t been there earlier?

  And why did Homer put Moe’s in his house?

  I’ll stop now.

Mad Jon: There are no good answers to any of your questions.

Dave: Yeah you’re asking us to part water Charlie. Ain’t gonna happen.

Charlie Sweatpants: I know, but I needed to vent.

Also, out of respect for the fact that Moe would have a Players Club card, I found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmdUU4A7S_w

Mad Jon: Nice

Charlie Sweatpants: I remember seeing those commercials as a kid and having no idea what the fuck they were talking about, and then I forgot about them for years, and then there was one very good joke.

Dave: Hey, the Riviera. I’ve been there.

Charlie Sweatpants: Did you get the kind of VIP treatment that Telly Savalas got?

Dave: Of course not.

  I mean Telly Savalas… that’s a god amongst men right there.

Charlie Sweatpants: The call and the information are free. You too can go to places like Las Vegas, Atlantic City, and "the Caribbean".

Dave: The Caribbean as a vague, ephemeral concept?

Charlie Sweatpants: Or wherever Players Club is accepted.

Okay, that’s about all I got. Savalas was my trump card.

Mad Jon: Nice play.

Mad Jon: You made me look like a Jonny puke-pail.

Charlie Sweatpants: So I guess we’re done then?