“Dad, what’s a Muppet?” – Lisa Simpson “Well, it’s not quite a mop, and it’s not quite a puppet, but man . . . so to answer your question, I don’t know.” – Homer Simpson Shorter than usual Reading Digest this week on account of Thanksgiving, but there are a couple of links relating to the new Muppet movie. One is the quote above, which was very popular when discussing the revival of the moribund Muppets franchise, the other is a reference to none other than Poochie by the director himself. As usual, once The Simpsons comments on something, it…
Category: Ratings FAIL
Nobody Cares About Reading
“Okay, we’ve got the secret vigilante handshake, now we need codenames. I’ll be Cue Ball, Skinner can be Eight Ball, Barney will be Twelve Ball, and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball.” – Homer Simpson “You’re an idiot.” – Moe The last two episodes of Zombie Simpsons have seen the entire opening, couch gag and all, dropped completely. They’ve also featured Matt Selman’s name before Al Jean’s in the customary spot for the show runner. Not coincidentally, the last two episodes have also seen the show impressively manage to get even further away from what once made it great. At…
Zombie Simpsons Lives In Brentwood, Thinks Everyone Else Does Too
“Look everybody, my purse exploded!” – Marge Simpson “Come on everybody, we’re going to the fanciest restaurant in town!” – Homer Simpson There once was a show called The Simpsons. It was about an upper-lower-middle class family that lived in small town Anywhere, USA. That family wasn’t quite poor, but they could only barely make ends meet. Their city wasn’t a thriving metropolis, it was another beat up burgh whose past was brighter than its future. Part of what made the show so searingly funny was the way it took unpleasant realities like staving off poverty and living in America’s…
Swarming with Magic Robots
“See all that stuff in there, Homer? That’s why your robot never worked.” – Marge Simpson The chalkboard gag for Zombie Simpsons this week read “It’s November 6th – – How come we’re not airing a Halloween Show?”. Unfortunately for us, I think they may have actually been confused about it. How else to explain having what passed for the main plot revolve around switching magic robots from good to evil and back again? That wouldn’t have been out of place in a Treehouse of Horror episode and it felt more than a little strange in a normal one. What…
And the Children Were Silent
“That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! Evil!” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson “Grampa, you said that about all the presents.” – Marge Simpson “I just want attention.” – Abe “Grampa” Simpson I happened to find myself at my brother’s house yesterday, keeping an eye on three of his kids, two nephews (13 and 11) and a niece (8). Though they’re well aware that the new episodes are subpar, they wanted to watch the new Zombie Simpsons. When Homer farted for the first time my niece got a goofy grin on her face, but the boys only looked up from…
The Lesson Is: Never Try
“This is as good as I can do, and I still failed!” – Bart Simpson When it comes to Zombie Simpsons I’m firmly in the camp of “It Never Gets Better”, and last night’s exercise in repetition and tedium is a perfect example of why. They managed to not spin themselves into blood soaked absurdity like last week, there weren’t any pointless celebrity cameos, and there was even kind of a story. But while this is the best they can do, it’s still flat, dull and boring. Just consider the school auction at the beginning. In that scene alone we…
Welcome Back, Zombie Simpsons! (Now Please Go Away Forever.)
“This celebration is a sham, and it’s all my fault.” – Hollis Hurlbut If anyone out there was worried that Zombie Simpsons might have taken time over the summer to sharpen its rusty stories or tighten its blundering dialogue, last night’s clumsy splatter-fest should put their mind at ease. I suppose we can give them points for consistency, but that’s about it. In a mere twenty minutes they told a hopelessly stupid ten minute story and filled the enormous gaps around it with their favorite kinds of filler material. There was a pointless celebrity cameo voicing himself. There were untethered…
If a Show Falls in the Woods and Nobody Watches It, Does It make a Sound?
“That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash landed. It’s ratings poison!” – Krusty the Klown You’ve got to give Zombie Simpsons one thing, when they want to really put on a tour de force of crappiness, they can still do it. They had Bart and Homer acting manic and inserting themselves into other people’s lives just because. They had plenty of pointless filler, including two different scenes with characters clambering over obstacles for no discernable purpose. (And the second one wasn’t even a call back!) They took characters appearing and disappearing from scenes to new heights. And the story…
Blimps and Flashbacks Everywhere!
“Hey, can I drive?” – Barney Gumble “Well, I can’t see the harm.” – Duff Blimp Pilot There is one thing I completely enjoyed about “500 Keys”, the closing credits. Not just because it meant the episode was over, but for that violin rendition of the theme song. It was nicely done and will make a decent addition to the ever expanding catalog of different versions of the Simpsons theme. There were a couple of other things I didn’t completely loathe, but as is typical of such things, the episode promptly ran most of them into the ground. Skinner telling…
Everything’s Coming Zombie Simpsons! (Except the Ratings)
“Fritz, you idiot! I didn’t order a boloney sandwich, I ordered an abalone sandwich!” – Kent Brockman’s Daughter Zombie Simpsons is sort of the deluded trust fund baby of television. It has all the money and fame it could want, but had basically nothing to do with acquiring them. (There are only a handful of people still working on the show who had anything to do with its success.) As a whole, the program lives quietly off of its inheritance. Only occasionally does it pause to congratulate itself, a sort of nervous tic designed to perpetuate the pleasing fiction that…
Washed Up on the Jersey Shore
“Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was most impressed by the creature’s uncivilized look, it’s foul language and, most of all, it’s indescribable stench. A popular supermarket tabloid has offered a reward of five thousand dollars to anyone who brings in the creature alive. Actually, we’ll have more on this story as soon as it develops. We now return you to the President’s address, already in progress.” – TV News Guy There’s an undeniable irony to watching Zombie Simpsons lob weak and spongy jokes at vacuous and appearance obsessed people who have an unjustifiably high opinion of…
Taking Attendance
“Okay, when I call your name, uh, you say ‘present’ or ‘here’. No, say ‘present’.” – Moe If there’s one scene that’s been played over and over again in Zombie Simpsons, it’s the listing of the celebrity names. Once upon a time even celebrities playing themselves (James Woods, Tito Puente, everybody from “Homer at the Bat” and “Krusty Gets Kancelled”) got actual introductions. Now they appear and have their names read aloud. This is actual dialogue spoken by Lisa in “The Great Simpsina”: Ricky Jay. David Copperfield. Penn. Teller. It sounds like she’s reading roll call at a talent agency…
Still Got the Magic
“It’s back to the basics, classic Itchy & Scratchy!” – Bart Simpson “We should thank our lucky stars they’re still putting out a program of this caliber after so many years.” – Lisa Simpson From time to time, people ask us what we would do if Zombie Simpsons ever broadcast a good episode. Would we kick it just because it’s Zombie Simpsons, or are we open minded enough to say that, yeah, even here in 2011 the show can still be good? Well, I’m here to tell you that last night’s episode on FOX was outstanding from end to end,…
Use It or Lose It
“There’s something I used to do in this situation, but . . . can’t . . . remember.” – Bart Simpson “Ha-ho?” – Nelson Muntz Atrophy is a merciless bitch. Similar to entropy, it’s the rule that says every living thing, from people to protists, have to keep doing stuff to avoid becoming dead. If you stop using your legs, because of laziness or injury, pretty soon they’ll wither to nothing. Ask anybody who’s ever had to wear a cast about how quickly debilitation sets in. The same principle applies to creative endeavors like television shows. If you stop doing…
Meta and Morbid
“The guy’s so high he doesn’t even know that’s Dave!” – Homer Simpson “Homer? Homer?” – Bobby Mindich “Homer’s not here, man.” – Homer Simpson “Okay, very good.” – Bobby Mindich No sooner do we poke fun at Zombie Simpsons for its complete reliance on jamming the same few characters into any situation than they have Chong audition every third person in Springfield to replace Cheech. There are about five hundred different things they could’ve done there: they could’ve invented new acts, pulled some other old ones out of retirement, created thinly veiled jabs at comedians who’ve long since faded…
Somewhere, Klaus Kinski Weeps
“Have any of your workers ever had their hands cut off by the machinery?” – Bart Simpson “No.” – Box Factory Guy “And then the hands started crawling around and tried to strangle everybody?” – Bart Simpson “No, that has never happened.” – Box Factory Guy “Any popped eyeballs?” – Bart Simpson In some alternate universe the basic premise behind “The Scorpion’s Tale” could’ve been used for a decent half hour of television. It would need to be done on a show that isn’t five hundred episodes old, but a drug that gets geezers stoned could’ve worked. On Zombie Simpsons…
Knowing Your Audience
“Thank god we’re back in Hollywood, where people treat each other right.” – Movie Guy No sooner do I make fun of Zombie Simpsons for its relentless Hollywood navel gazing than they spend an entire episode navel gazing in Hollywood. Starting with that interminable Itchy & Scratchy thing and running through awards ceremony cliches and a stunning number of glacially slow short films, this thing was one long exercise in entertainment industry self congratulations. (I’m sure these sorts of things will get people at L.A. area cocktail parties to praise them, but for the rest of us it’s a little…
Going Gray
“I guess I expected something different from your photo.” – Mrs. Krabappel “Don’t let my age fool you. Just ’cause there’s a little snow on the roof . . . I forget how the rest of that goes.” – Jasper Intentionally or not, there is an interesting undercurrent to “The Blue and the Gray”, Zombie Simpsons’ latest affront to quality television. Confronted with the unpleasant fact that she’s not quite what she used to be, Marge flips out and returns to the comforting fiction that cosmetic similarities mean she’s just the same as she always was. Remind you of anything’s…
Leftovers
“You gotta improvise, Lisa. Cloves, Tom Collins mix, frozen pie crust . . .” – Homer Simpson Have you ever stood in your kitchen, staring at bare cabinets and empty refrigerator shelves, and tried to cobble together one last meal before the next trip to the store? You’ve got a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and hey, those two might work together. Sometimes a bunch of scraps go down unexpectedly well. Sometimes they do not. “Homer the Father” is that disastrous third case where you find yourself trying to induce vomiting just minutes after sitting down…
A Flapping Dickey of Outdated Gay Jokes
It goes almost without saying that American culture has changed in a lot of ways since the Simpsons family came on stage in the late 80s. In addition to the usual twists and turns of taste in everything from music and clothing to movies and cars you would expect over any two decade stretch, the last twenty plus years have also seen an enormous expansion in the civic space afforded to gay and lesbian Americans. People who were seen as so culturally toxic that even referring to them on television was all but forbidden in 1989 have become commonplace in…